


In A Previous Life

by Asgardsrevengers



Category: Marvel
Genre: Alcoholism, Anxiety, Bisexual Bucky, Bisexual Sam Wilson, Depression, Falling In Love, M/M, Mention of Racism, Mutual Pining, PTSD, hint at past stucky, mild homophobia, mild slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-02 10:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18809662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asgardsrevengers/pseuds/Asgardsrevengers
Summary: Bucky escapes HYDRA in 2009 and flees to Washington where he meets Sam Wilson, the only person in decades who doesn’t see Bucky as a weapon.





	1. The End Of Winter

Bucky sits in the back row of metal chairs, staring down at the floor, wondering why the hell he’s even here. He’d seen an ad in the newspaper last week and contemplated actually coming. He felt out of place, yet somehow like he belonged here at the same time.   
People sat scattered around him. Some had paper coffee cups in their hands and some were talking in hushed conversation. Bucky sat alone, fingers tapping anxiously on his knee.   
When a man’s voice spoke above the quiet voices, everyone turned to the front of the room.   
A tall man stood at the podium in the front, hands braced on the solid wood.   
“Hey, I know everyone likes mingling, but it’s time to get started.”  
The voices quiet down and the man upfront smiles. Bucky notices the gap between his two front teeth.   
“Most of you already know me, but I see a couple new faces tonight.”  
Bucky lowers his head. “My name’s Sam Wilson, I served two tours and was discharged two years ago. If you want to share tonight, feel free to, but no one’s going to pressure you.” Bucky liked the way Sam’s voice sounded. Authoritative, but friendly as well. “Would anyone like to start us off?” Sam asks, looking around the room. One woman in the front raises her hand and Sam gestures to her. She turns and smiles at the people behind her.   
“Hi, I’m Caroline, and I’ve been coming to these meetings for three months. I served ten years in Iraq, and was discharged last year after I was injured by falling debris from an explosion. I started taking meds for the pain, and soon got addicted to them. I’ve been clean for seven weeks now.”  
Sam smiles at her. “Thank you, Caroline.”  
She smiles shyly and looks down at the coffee cup in her hand.   
Bucky notices the brace on her leg. Most definitely her war injury. She hid her leg under her chair, like she was ashamed of it. Bucky could understand that.   
He glanced down at the space where his left arm used to be. It was vacant, not even the artificial limb there now, just a stump. 

Bucky sat through the entire hour of the meeting. Most of the people who shared ended up crying. Bucky was surprised at that. He was even more surprised that no one reacted badly to the crying. Back then—at HYDRA— any kind of emotion was punished severely. Only compliance was acceptable.   
Bucky didn’t share that night. 

When the meeting ended, Bucky waited for almost everyone to leave before he got up. Sam was cleaning up, he was the last one in the room. As Bucky headed for the door, Sam looked up.   
“Hey,” he says just before Bucky steps out the door. Bucky turns to look at him, but doesn’t say anything. Sam smiles awkwardly. “Hey, I just wanted to welcome you. I know it can be overwhelming at first, but you’ll fit in here.”  
Bucky looks anywhere but Sam’s eyes. “Thanks,” he says quietly.   
“Where’re you from?” Sam asks. Bucky’s surprised when he actually knows the answer.   
“Brooklyn.”  
Sam whistles. “Pretty far from home, huh?”  
Bucky shrugs and Sam can tell he’s dying to leave. “I noticed you didn’t share tonight.”  
“Not much of a talker,” Bucky replies cooly.   
“You got a name?”   
Bucky looks up at Sam finally. He searches Sam’s eyes, trying to decide if he could trust this stranger. His brain told him no, never trust a stranger, his gut told him to give the guy a chance. Lately Bucky was trying to listen to his gut instead of his mess of a brain.   
“Bucky,” he answers after a minute. Sam gives a small smile.   
“It’s nice to meet you, Bucky.”  
When Bucky doesn’t say anything, Sam shifts on his feet. “Will I see you here next week?”  
Bucky chews the inside of his lip and shrugs. “Maybe.” And with that he turns and walks out the door. 

 

Bucky’s back next week. He sits in the same spot he did last time. When the meeting starts, he listens intently to people’s stories. One man’s knees shake as he recalls the time he had a panic attack in a grocery store. Another woman cries as she tells the story of her husband cheating on her while she was in Afghanistan, and then coming home with PTSD and having no one to help her through it.   
Bucky sympathized with all of them, he really did. He didn’t know he was capable of sympathy anymore. It was odd, but he liked that he was allowed to feel emotions now, no matter how confusing they were.   
Bucky didn’t share that night. 

When the meeting was over, Bucky sat with his elbows perched on his knees, staring down at the floor. Everyone had left besides Sam, who was cleaning up, just like last week.   
He noticed Bucky didn’t leave, but let him be while he finished cleaning up. 

Once Sam was done, he starts folding chairs. Bucky looks up.   
“Hey,” Sam says as he carries two chairs and stacks them against wall.   
“Sorry,” Bucky says. “I um...I guess I spaced out.”  
Sam smiles kindly. “Don’t worry about it.”  
He folds two more chairs and stacks them with the others. “You know...” he starts, looking at Bucky pointedly. “this job would go a lot faster if I had some help.”  
Bucky gets the hint and stands up. He folds his chair and the one besides it and brings them to the wall.   
“You do that a lot?” Sam asks.   
“Do what?” Bucky asks as he folds up two more chairs.   
“Space out.”  
Bucky looks away from Sam as he stacks the chairs. He shrugs. “Not as much as I used to.”  
Sam folds the last two chairs.   
“Where’d you serve?”   
“Does it matter?” he asks. “We’re all messed up just the same, doesn’t matter where we served or what we did over there.”  
Sam doesn’t answer, not quite sure what to say to that. He stacks the chairs and turns to Bucky.   
“Listen, I know you don’t like sharing in group, but if you ever need anything you can call me.”  
Bucky knew he was being nice, but his brain kept nagging at him that Sam had an ulterior motive; that he’d get close to Bucky and then turn on him.   
Bucky shoved that thought aside.   
“Let me give you my number,” Sam says as he grabs a notepad from the podium. He scribbles down his phone number and tears the page out, handing it to Bucky. “I’m available anytime. Don’t worry about waking me up if you need anything in the middle of the night, I’m there.”  
“Thanks,” Bucky says with a tight smile.   
“You gonna be back?” Sam asks as Bucky turns to leave. Bucky stops, but doesn’t turn around.   
“We’ll see.”

 

As he walks down the street to his hole in the wall apartment, he looks down at the paper in his hand. The words ‘Sam Wilson’ were messily scribbled above a phone number. Bucky ran his thumb over the dried ink, chewing his lip. Sam was the first person to reach out to him since his escape. He was friendly and approachable; exactly the person Bucky would corrupt if they got close.   
Bucky crumpled the paper and let it slip from his fingers, onto the wet ground. 

 

Despite his doubts, Bucky was back again the following week. He sat in the back alone, like he had before.   
The meeting wouldn’t start for another five minutes, so Bucky sat in silence, listening to the quiet conversations of others. 

When someone sat down beside him, Bucky lifted his head. Sam smiled at him.   
“Hey.”  
Bucky turns his head back down. Why was this guy being so nice to him? Didn’t he know that Bucky’s not the kind of person you befriend? He’s the kind you run from.   
“You doing alright?” Sam asks, studying the way Bucky’s shoulders went rigid when Sam sat down.   
“Fine,” Bucky mutters. Sam frowns.   
“I was serious when I said you could call me.”  
Bucky keeps his eyes on the floor. “I um...I threw your number away.”  
Sam’s eyebrows draw together. He sighs and sits forward. “I know it can be hard to ask for help, but you don’t have to be ashamed, we’re all struggling.”  
Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t want your help,” he says firmly. “I don’t want your help or pity or anything else from you.”  
Sam bites his tongue. He knew guys like this. They lash out because they’re stubborn and stuck in their old ways, too afraid to ask for help because they think it makes them look weak.   
Bucky looks up at the people sitting in front of him. He doesn’t look at Sam. “I don’t even know why I bothered coming here.”  
“Because you know you need help,” Sam says gently. “You’re just too damn stubborn to ask for it.”  
Bucky looks at him with hooded eyes.   
“I’m so far from being able to be helped.”  
“You’re the only person that thinks that,” Sam tells him, but Bucky shakes his head stubbornly.   
“You can’t help me, Sam. Help the people who deserve it.” Bucky stands up and Sam unconsciously reaches for him.   
“You don’t have to leave, just sit and listen.”  
Bucky hesitates for a moment. Something about the pleading look in Sam’s eyes made him want to stay. Nonetheless, he shakes his head.   
“Sorry,” he says before leaving. Sam watches him go, his chest tightening. 

 

Bucky lies in his bed that night, staring up at the ceiling. He thinks about Sam. About his kindness and readiness to help others.   
Maybe Bucky shouldn’t have left. Maybe he should’ve let Sam help him. But The Winter Soldier instincts took over and all he could think about was how much he didn’t want to hurt Sam, and that was inevitable if they got close.   
Bucky rolls over and picks up a photo from his bedside table. He had found it in a library archive after he escaped.   
The photo was of him and Steve after Steve had rescued him. They were laughing, unaware of the peril that would soon come.  
Bucky sighs and puts the photo back. Maybe he would fight his Winter Soldier instincts and go back to the VA. Maybe he would apologize to Sam. God knows Bucky couldn’t get through living in the 21st century on his own. 

 

Three weeks passed before Bucky finally convinced himself to go back to the VA. He got there just as a meeting ended. Everyone slowly left, and Bucky stood in the door, watching as Sam started cleaning up.   
“Hey,” he says loudly enough that Sam hears him on the other side of the room. Sam looks up, his eyebrows raising in question.   
“Hey,” he replies. Bucky shifts on his feet awkwardly.   
“I um...I do need help.”  
Sam’s face softens. He sits down and pats the seat beside him. Bucky pushes himself off the door frame and crosses the room, sitting next to Sam.   
“What made you change your mind?” Sam asks. Bucky looks down at the floor and shrugs.   
“I’m trying to listen to my gut instead of my head, and my gut told me to come back.”  
Sam smiles. “I’m glad you did.”  
“Me, too,” Bucky says quietly.   
“If I give you my number again are you gonna throw it out?” Sam asks with a teasing tone. Bucky smiles crookedly.   
“I’ll try not to.”  
Sam laughs and stands up to get a piece of paper. “So, are you gonna start coming to meetings again?” Sam asks as he scribbles his number down.   
“Maybe.” Bucky shrugs and Sam chuckles.   
“Always so vague.”  
One corner of Bucky’s mouth turns up. Sam shakes his head and laughs as he hands Bucky his number. “For real, I’m available anytime.”  
Bucky looks up at him with a grateful smile.   
“Thank you, Sam.” 

 

Bucky’s falling. Falling, falling, falling. He’s screaming, but no one can hear.   
“Steve!” he cries as he hits the ground. Cold surrounds him. Everything is white. He can’t move, can’t feel his body. He begins to panic. His chest tightens and he can’t fucking move. 

Bucky bolts up in bed, his chest rising and falling in quick succession. His long hair is wet with sweat, sticking to his forehead.   
He places his hand on his chest in an attempt to slow his breathing.   
Once he’s sure he’s safe, he glances around the room, eyes landing on the paper on his bedside table. It was Sam’s phone number.   
Bucky reaches for it and stares at it for a few minutes. Finally he shakes his head and places it back on the table. He didn’t need to bother Sam with this. 

 

Next week, Bucky made sure he was early to the meeting. He was so early, in fact, that no one was there besides Sam.   
Bucky leans against the door frame, watching Sam unfold and line up chairs.   
“Stop brooding by the door and come in,” Sam says, not even glancing at Bucky.   
Surprised, Bucky pushes himself off the door frame and walks towards Sam.   
“You’re early,” Sam notes.   
“Yeah, I um...I wanted to ask you something,” Bucky says, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.   
“Ok, sure, what’s on your mind?” Sam asks, sitting down in one of the metal chairs. Bucky sits beside him, knees bouncing nervously.   
“I...I don’t really know how to talk about these things.”  
“That’s ok,” Sam assures him. “Just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”  
Bucky nods and inhales deeply. “The first week I was here, I heard a woman talking about panic attacks. The way she described them...I think I had one.”  
Sam nods slowly. “You know, it’s totally normal for vets to have panic attacks, and triggers can be anything or anywhere. You wanna describe it to me?”  
Bucky keeps his eyes trained on the floor. “I was having a nightmare, and when I woke up, I couldn’t breath. I was sweating and my chest hurt, I thought I was having a heart attack.”  
“That’s what I thought the first time I had a panic attack,” Sam says. Bucky looks up at him, forehead creased.   
“You get them?”   
“Yeah.” Sam nods his head. “I used to wake up every night with them. Now it only happens every once in a while.”  
“How’d you get them to stop?”  
“I don’t think they really ever will.” Sam shrugs. “But they’ve gotten better.”  
“So they’re never going to stop?” Bucky asks, chest tightening with anxiety.   
“They might.” Sam places his hand on Bucky’s knee. Bucky stiffens and Sam retracts his hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”  
“No, no, you’re ok, I’m just not used to friendly touches,” Bucky assures him. Sam smiles sadly. “Why didn’t you call me?”  
Bucky shrugs stiffly.   
“I didn’t want to bother you.”  
Sam scoffs. “You couldn’t bother me. Seriously, call me if it happens again.”  
Bucky hesitantly nods his head. “Ok, I will.”  
Sam gently pats him on the knee and stands up. “If you don’t call me soon, I might have to hunt you down.”  
Bucky smiles up at him. “You couldn’t catch me.”  
Sam laughs at that. “I’ll trust your word on that.”

 

The meeting went well, Bucky thought. He sat in the center row instead of the back, and listened as people shared their stories.   
He still didn’t share. 

As Bucky was leaving the meeting, he stopped in the doorway and turned, smiling at Sam.   
“Goodnight, Sam.”  
Sam looks up and smiles softly.  
“Night, Bucky.”

 

The next morning Bucky wakes up early, showers, and heads for the gym. He’d been going for a few weeks, trying to work off some of his excess energy. It also seemed to help with his anxiety, so whenever he was feeling extra anxious, he would go for a run. 

Bucky liked the indoor track they had in the gym. He liked running till he couldn’t breathe, then some more.   
There was always a woman there who would run the track almost as long as Bucky would. They’d never spoken, but they had a silent competition going to see who could run longer. Bucky always won of course, due to his super soldier serum, though he suspected if he didn’t have the serum, she could’ve easily outrun him. 

 

Bucky slowed to a stop, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. He makes his way to the locker with gym bag in it.   
When he gets there, the woman is standing by her own locker, downing an entire bottle of water. She was wearing a sports bra and short gym shorts. Bucky looks away quickly and opens his locker. He fishes his water bottle out and takes a long sip.   
“I’m Aly.”  
Bucky turns to face the woman, surprise written on his face. “I’m Aly,” she repeats with a small smile. Bucky’s eyes fall to the floor for a moment. Sure he enjoyed their little rivalry, but he never intended to talk to this woman. Bucky looks back up after a second. “James,” he says quietly. He wasn’t sure why he used his real name instead of the nickname he always went by.   
“James, you’re really giving me a run for my money,” Aly says with a playful smile.   
“Sorry about that,” Bucky laughs awkwardly and turns to place his water bottle back in his bag.   
“No, I like someone who can keep up with me.”  
Bucky hoists his gym bag out of his locker and slings it over his good shoulder. “I’m a track coach at the University, so I gotta keep in shape, set a good example for the kids, I guess.”  
Bucky gives her a tight smile. She tilts her head a little. “Do you wanna grab a coffee?”   
Bucky looks up, eyebrows arched in surprise. “I know a great place down the street,” Aly says quickly. She could tell she was losing him.   
Bucky chews the inside of his cheek. “I was gonna go home and shower. Don’t think you’d wanna go on a date with a sweaty, smelly guy.”  
“So now we’re calling it a date?” Aly asks.   
“Oh, no-”  
“I’m kidding,” Aly laughs. “How about tomorrow morning?”  
Bucky hesitates for a second. She seemed nice enough, and that was the problem.   
“I um…” Bucky nods his head. “Yeah, I’d like that.”  
“Great!” Aly smiles. She turns back to her locker and fishes out a pen. “Let me give you my number.” She takes Bucky’s hand and neatly writes down her phone number. “Just in case.” She shrugs. Bucky smiles down at her. “The place is called “Lava Java Cafe” you can’t miss it.”  
“I’ll be there,” Bucky promises her. 

 

Bucky lies flat on his back, holding his hand above his face. He examines the phone number written on his palm. Under the number was the words ‘Aly from the gym’ with a wink face beside the last word. Bucky exhales and drops his hand on his stomach. This was a mistake. He wasn’t ready for this, for a relationship. But, as Bucky had learned, relationships in the 21st century were much different than in the 40s. They were so much more confusing now. There was committed relationships, then there was casual relationships where both people were allowed to sleep with other people, then there was relationships with just sex and no romance, and even relationships with just romance and no sex.   
Bucky shook his head. How the hell do people figure out what kind of relationship they’re in if it’s so confusing? But, he was getting ahead of himself. This was just coffee. 

 

Bucky woke in a cold sweat. His throat was dry, he couldn’t breathe. His chest felt tight, too tight, constricting.   
In a panic, he reached for his phone on his bedside table and clicked on Sam’s number. His hands shook as he held the phone to his ear, body trembling with the nightmare.   
The phone rang four times before someone picked up.   
“Hello?” Sam’s groggy voice cut through the speaker.   
“Sam,” Bucky says quietly.   
“Bucky?” Sam asks.   
“I-I’m…” Hot tears sting Bucky’s eyes.   
“Hey, slow down,” Sam says in a soothing voice. “Just breathe, ok?”  
Bucky sucks in a sharp breath and lets it out slowly. “Ok, just listen to my voice and breathe.”  
Bucky listens to Sam’s soothing words and breathes slowly till he feels in control again.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do,” Bucky apologizes.   
“It’s ok,” Sam assures him. “What happened?”  
“I had a nightmare and when I woke up I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight, like I was about to suffocate.”  
Bucky can hear Sam sigh. He felt like a burden, like he was bothering Sam.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  
“Don’t apologize,” Sam says firmly. “If I didn’t want you calling, I wouldn’t have given you my number.”  
Bucky nods, even though Sam can’t see him.   
“Are you taking anything for your anxiety?” Sam asks.   
“What do you mean?” Bucky sits up against the headboard.   
“Like meds?” Sam clarifies.   
“No, I um, I didn’t really know those existed,” Bucky admits. He can hear Sam laugh quietly.   
“Yeah, I can refer you to a doctor friend of mine who specializes in anxiety disorders, I think she’d be able to help you.”  
Bucky was most surprised at the mention of a woman doctor. Things really had changed since the last time he was in his right mind.   
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I don’t like doctors.”  
“I can go with you if you’d be more comfortable with that,” Sam offers.   
“Sam-”  
“I don’t wanna hear some self-deprecation bullshit,” Sam cuts him off and Bucky chews his lip.   
“Fine, give me the number and I’ll make an appointment.”  
Bucky can imagine Sam’s goofy gap-toothed grin as he rattles off the number.   
They say goodnight, and as Bucky sets his phone down, he has the urge to pick it up and call Sam again, just to hear his voice. He shakes that thought from his head and closes his eyes. 

 

Sam holds the phone to his chest after Bucky hangs up. He stares up at the ceiling, unblinking. Since the first day he’d met Bucky in that VA meeting, he’d been unable to get the mysterious man off his mind. 

 

Bucky stands in front of the cafe, exhaling deeply. His hand clenches and unclenches. Ok, yeah, he could do this.   
With a heavy sigh, he grips the door handle and walks inside. He looks around till he sees Aly at a table by the window, waving him over.   
“Hi!” She smiles as Bucky sits down across from her.   
“Hey,” Bucky says. “You um...you look different.”  
Aly looks down at her clothes and laughs. “Yeah, thought it’d be weird to wear my gym clothes on a date.”  
“Sorry.” Bucky shakes his head. “I meant you look good. I mean, you always look good.” Bucky rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.   
“I know what you meant,” Aly says with a quiet laugh. Bucky’s cheeks flush pink.   
“Sorry, I haven’t been on a date in a long time.” That was an understatement. “I’m not really sure how this works.”  
“Well, we tell each other about ourselves, and at the end we decide if we wanna see each other again,” Aly says simply.   
“Ok…” Bucky nods his head. “That sounds simple enough.”   
Aly smiles. “So, are you new in town?”  
“Yeah, I moved here about two months ago.” Bucky nods.   
“Yeah? What drew you here?”  
Bucky shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess it was just time for a change in scenery.”  
“Where’d you live before?” Aly asks as she takes a sip of her coffee. Bucky looked down at his mug.   
“Brooklyn.” It was the last place he could remember having good memories.   
Aly starts talking about the one time she went to Brooklyn, and Bucky listens and nods his head at her stories, but his mind drifts to a certain friendly face from the VA. He hadn’t been able to get Sam off his mind all week. He told himself it was just the longing for companionship—friendship, something he hadn’t had in a very long time. Maybe that’s all he needed right now in this confusing world.


	2. I’m Almost Me Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Bucky go on a non-date

The next week, Bucky’s late to the meeting. He sneaks in and sits in the back. Sam notices, but doesn’t say anything.   
Bucky sits through the rest of the meeting, his right knee bouncing with anxiety. He watches Sam talk with people and comfort them when they cry. He was so gentle and caring, and Bucky found himself genuinely grateful that he had Sam in his life.   
Bucky didn’t share that night. 

When the meeting was over, Bucky stayed back like he did most times. Sam said goodbye to everyone before walking to the back row of chairs and sitting down beside Bucky.   
“You were late,” Sam says jokingly.   
“Sorry.” Bucky looks up. “I wasn’t sure if I was gonna come tonight.”  
“Yeah? Why not?”  
Bucky looks at the floor and chews his lip. “I did something really stupid.”  
Sam’s forehead creases with concern. “You wanna tell me about it?” he asks gently.   
“I um… I met this woman at the gym, and she asked me on a date.”  
Sam smiles, ignoring the pang in his chest. “Did you go?”  
“Yeah.” Bucky nods.   
“And? How’d it go?”  
Bucky shrugs. “She’s a nice girl, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”  
“Ok, so what was the stupid thing?” Sam asks.   
“We went back to her place after our date, and um…”  
Sam’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “You slept with her?”  
Bucky nods his head. “Yeah.”  
“I mean, that’s not stupid.” Sam shrugs. “It’s human.”  
“I just feel like I really should’ve thought before I did something like that.” Bucky looked so distraught and Sam wanted nothing more than to comfort him. Sam gently places his hand on Bucky’s knee, relieved when Bucky doesn’t flinch.   
“Hey, people make mistakes all the time, it’s just part of life, there’s no use punishing yourself over it.”  
“I feel bad stringing her along if I don’t want a relationship with her,” Bucky confesses.   
“Well, you definitely shouldn’t be a dick and tell her you don’t want a relationship, but if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”  
Bucky looks up, offering a small, grateful smile.   
“Why are you so nice to me?”  
Sam tilts his head and shrugs. “I like a good mystery.”  
That makes Bucky chuckle. He looks at Sam with affection. “You’re really good at inspiring speeches, I used to have a friend like that.”  
Sam laughs and claps Bucky’s knee as he stands up. Bucky looks up at him, a soft expression on his face.   
“Hey, I’m gonna go grab a coffee, you wanna tag along?” Sam asks. Bucky looks around for no particular reason, trying to make a decision. He looks back up at Sam and those big brown eyes and that stupid gap-toothed smile. Of course there was no saying ‘no’ to that smile.   
Bucky nods and stands up. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

 

Bucky taps his fingers methodically on his ceramic mug. His knee shakes under the table.   
“So,” Sam says from across the table. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like we’ve become friends these past few weeks.”  
Bucky’s eyebrows raise slightly. “Yeah, I guess.”  
“You guess?” Sam asks with a laugh. “Ouch.”  
Bucky laughs and shakes his head. “We are friends,” he confirms.   
“And I feel like even though we haven’t known each other for awhile, I can read you pretty well.”  
Bucky’s head tilts to the side.   
“What are you getting at?”  
“You didn’t call that doctor I recommended, did you?”  
Bucky looks down and starts tearing the edge of his paper napkin. Sam sighs. “Man, you gotta let people help you.”  
“I know.” Bucky rips a big chunk of the napkin.   
“Promise me you’ll call her.”  
Bucky looks up and into Sam’s pleading eyes. He sighs. “Ok, I’ll do it first thing Monday morning.”  
“I worry about you, man.”  
Bucky’s a little taken aback by the sentiment. He looks down as his cheeks flush pink. “Thanks, but I’ll be ok.”  
“Not if you don’t let people in.”  
“I’m not sure I know how to do that.” Bucky swallows at the sad realization.   
“Trust me, man, I know how hard it is to let people in, especially after losing so many good people. You don’t want to lose anyone else.”   
Bucky nods, keeping his eyes on the table. “I don’t want to hurt anyone again. I just want to live and not be used as a fucking weapon.”  
Sam reaches across the table, placing his hand over Bucky’s. “Sorry,” Bucky laughs dryly. “Didn’t mean to bring the house down.”  
“No, it’s good to talk about these things,” Sam tells him. Bucky looks up at him.   
“You never talk about your time in the military.”  
Sam’s eyes fall to the table. “Why not?” Bucky didn’t want to push Sam, but he wanted the heat off of him.   
“Sometimes it’s too painful.” Sam shrugs. “To remember the day my life ended.”  
A cold shivers runs through Bucky’s body. “What happened?” he asks in a whisper. Sam withdraws his hand, holding them both in his lap.  
“My buddy and I were selected for a special project, they called it the “Falcon” project.”  
Bucky nods in acknowledgement. “We were ecstatic, I’d never seen Riley happier.” Sam smiles sadly as he reminisces. “We were up in the air one day, and he was laughing, just being a dumbass.”  
Bucky watches as a tear falls from Sam’s eye. “He was hit with an RPG.”  
Bucky’s heart clenches. “He fell, and all I could do was watch.”  
“Sam, I’m so sorry,” Bucky breathes out. Sam shakes his head. “I was so angry for so long. Angry at the military for sweeping Riley’s death under the rug, angry at Riley for not paying attention, angry at myself for being a fucking coward, just angry at the whole fucking world.”  
Bucky sympathized heavily with Sam. For a long time, all he could feel was anger.   
“How’d you stop being angry?” Bucky asks and Sam just shrugs.   
“Sometimes I still get angry, and it’s so overwhelming I can’t do anything else but focus on how angry I am.”  
“What did you mean when you said you were a coward?”  
Sam looks down at his hands.   
“Riley and I were talking about getting out, about moving to a small town and settling down. I told him this was what we were meant to do, so he just followed me. He was still happy, but he wanted more. I regret it every day. I should’ve trusted him, but truth is, the military was all I knew, I didn’t know how to have a family or kids, but looking back, I would’ve done it for him.”  
Bucky’s eyebrows furrow. “Were you and Riley…?”  
“We didn’t like labels.” Sam shrugs as he plays with a sugar packet. “But I did love him.”   
“You’re a homosexual?”  
Sam’s head snaps up so fast Bucky thought he might get whiplash.   
“Sorry,” Bucky quickly apologizes. “Where I come from, it wasn’t so widely accepted, I’m still getting used to it, I really didn’t mean to offend you.”  
An easy smile forms on Sam’s lips. “It’s ok,” he says. “And no, I’m not gay, I’m bi.”  
That only confuses Bucky further.   
“Bisexual,” Sam clarifies with a laugh. Bucky takes the pieces and puts them together.   
“You’re attracted to men and women?”   
Sam nods his head and laughs. Bucky was glad Sam was being so cool about this, even though he was probably being really offensive right now. “Sorry if I said something stupid, I tend not to think before I speak.”  
“It’s ok, really,” Sam says with a lighthearted laugh. “As long as you’re not gonna stop being my friend.”  
Bucky smiles at him. “You’re my only friend, so I don’t think I can afford to lose you.”  
“That’s sad,” Sam tells him teasingly. Bucky picks up a sugar packet and tosses it at Sam, he catches it and laughs loudly, the sound filling the small cafe. Bucky was sure he’d never heard a more beautiful sound. 

 

The next four weeks passed quickly. Bucky made an appointment with Sam’s doctor, it was a week away. He also called Aly the day after he and Sam talked. He told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and she didn’t seem to broken up over it, though Bucky did stop going to that gym to avoid the awkwardness of running into her.   
All in all, everything was going pretty smooth. Bucky stayed under the radar to hide from HYDRA, and it seemed to be working. He went to the weekly VA meetings, and he’d by lying if he said Sam wasn’t his main motivation to go to those things. Sam with his kind eyes and stupid smile that made Bucky want to say something funny just to see it again. Bucky had convinced himself weeks ago that these strange feelings bubbling up inside of him were just from having someone he could be open with; a friend. And that’s the way it would stay. 

Every week after the meeting ended, Bucky would stay back and help Sam clean up, then they would go for coffee at Sam’s favorite cafe. It was a nice routine.   
They always chose a booth in the back, away from everyone else so they could have a conversation without nosey people listening in. 

Bucky ordered his usual, and Sam tried some ridiculous looking drink with an even weirder name.   
“That’s not even coffee, Sam, that’s 1500 calories of pure chocolate.”  
Sam looks up from his drink and glares at Bucky.   
“Sorry we don’t all like the taste of black coffee.”  
“It’s not black,” Bucky argues. “It’s got two packets of sugar in it.”  
“Which is equivalent to about a half teaspoon.”  
Bucky lightly kicks Sam’s shin under the table. “I was trying to make fun of you, you can’t turn the tables on me.”  
“But I just did.”  
Bucky laughs and sips his coffee.   
“So, anything new happen this week?” Sam asks. Bucky shakes his head. “Nope, same old. Work, eat, sleep.”  
“How’s work going?” Sam asks as he stirs his drink. He’d learned that Bucky worked at a car garage, which wasn’t really surprising to Sam.   
Bucky nods and sips his coffee. “Good.”  
“Man, you need some extracurriculars.”  
“Like what?”   
Sam shrugs. “I don’t know, something fun. You ever tried rock climbing?”  
Bucky firmly shakes his head. “I don’t do heights.”  
“Ok.” Sam thinks for a minute. “Have you ever been to an aquarium?”  
“Nope.” Bucky stirs another sugar packet in his coffee, hoping Sam wouldn’t comment.   
“We should go, it’s amazing.”  
“Ok.” Bucky nods and takes a sip of his coffee. It still wasn’t sweet enough, but there was no way he was letting Sam have this victory, so he powered through without any more sugar. 

And that’s how they ended up at the aquarium at eleven pm, no one else in sight.   
“Doesn’t this place close at nine?” Bucky asks.   
“I know the manager,” Sam says with a sly smile. Bucky shakes his head and laughs. “C’mon,” Sam says, taking hold of Bucky’s hand. “I wanna show you something.”   
Sam drags Bucky down a long hallway lined with tanks filled with fish and other various aquatic creatures. Bucky wanted to stop and admire them, but he just went along with Sam.   
Finally, Sam stops in front of a large tank. Bucky follows his eyes, landing on the small shark inside. It was about six feet long, with black tips on its fins.   
“His name’s Alfie,” Sam says quietly. “He’s a Blacktip reef shark. He was rescued last year after getting tangled in a fisherman’s net.”  
Bucky frowns and studies the shark. “It looks like he’s missing a fin.”  
“Yeah, it was so badly damaged that they had to amputate it.”  
Bucky looks pointedly at Sam. “You brought me to see a one finned shark?”   
Sam’s eyebrows snap together. “No, that’s not what I meant-”  
“I’m kidding.” Bucky laughs. “He’s cute, I like him. He’s an underdog.”  
“But he’s still swimming,” Sam says, standing closer to the tank, closer to Bucky.   
Bucky sneaks a glance at Sam, smiling down at him. Sam catches the smile and returns it with a wide grin. “You wanna walk around some more?”  
“Yeah.” Bucky nods.   
“Bye, Alfie.” Sam smiles and waves at the shark. Bucky laughs at him, but waves to Alfie as well. 

They walk around for awhile, just admiring the sea creatures. Bucky especially liked the dolphins, he wasn’t sure why, maybe because they all seemed so happy, like they enjoyed their lives at the aquarium.   
“So,” Sam says after a while. “What do you think?”  
Bucky looks over at him and smiles.   
“It’s incredible. Thank you for doing this with me.”  
Sam just shrugs, a small smile on his lips. “No problem.”  
They walk a little further until Bucky stops in front of a large tank. He looks inside, spotting three stingrays swimming around. Sam stands close to his side, their arms brushing, sending a shiver down Bucky’s spine. He looks up at Bucky, a fondness in his eyes. Bucky catches him looking and nudges his shoulder.   
“What are you looking at?”  
Sam shakes his head, eyes involuntary falling to Bucky’s lips. “Nothing.” He quickly looks back to the tank.   
Bucky turns back to the tank as well, shifting a little closer to Sam so their arms touched again. “Thank you, Sam,” he says quietly. Sam looks up at him, eyebrows arched.   
“You don’t have to thank me, it’s nothing.”  
“I don’t mean about the aquarium.” Bucky turns his head to look at Sam. “I mean for being here, for not leaving. I haven’t had someone like you in a long time.”  
Sam smiles in understanding. “You’re a good guy, Buck, I just wanted to help you.”  
Bucky looks down at the floor as his cheeks turn a warm shade of pink. “You didn’t have to, though.”  
Sam shrugs and lightly bumps Bucky with his shoulder. “I know.”  
Bucky lifts his head, a grateful smile on his lips. He catches Sam’s eye and stops for a moment. His stomach flips anxiously as he looks into Sam’s eyes. He moves just the slightest bit closer, eyes dropping to Sam’s lips as he wets his own with his tongue.  
Sam makes no move to get away from him, but Bucky freezes. He inhales to calm his nerves, not quite sure of his game plan. With girls back in the 40s it was so easy, but this was totally different. This was the twenty first century. This was Sam. Sam was different and alluring and important. Bucky didn’t want to screw that up. But he was done regretting things. If he didn’t do this now, he knew he’d never get the courage again.   
Just as he was moving in, his lips mere inches from Sam’s, a light above them goes out. He pulls away instantly and looks up at the ceiling.   
“Shit,” Sam swears under his breath. “After midnight the night lights come on.”  
Bucky turns to look at Sam again, an evident blush on his cheeks.  
“I um...I think I should go.” With that, his courage had disappeared. “It’s late,” he says quickly, not wanting Sam to think he didn’t want...whatever was about to happen.   
“Yeah,” Sam nods his head. “Sorry, I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.”  
Bucky smiles tightly. “It’s ok.”  
They leave the aquarium in silence, neither sure what to say after that. 

The car ride to Bucky’s place is quiet, the music from the radio the only noise besides Bucky giving vague instructions to his apartment.   
When Sam pulls into the drive, he puts the car in park and turns to Bucky.   
“I had fun tonight,” he says.   
Isn’t that what you say after a date? Bucky thinks. This was definitely not a date.   
“Me, too,” he says instead. He reaches for the door handle and pushes the door open.   
“You gonna be at the meeting next week?” Sam asks as Bucky shuts the car door. He turns around and rests his arms in the open window.   
“Aren’t I always?”  
“I never know with you,” Sam says teasingly. Bucky smiles and pats the car.   
“I’ll be there,” he promises. 

Bucky locks his apartment door behind him, making sure it was secure before he went to his bedroom. He kicked his shoes off and pulled the rest of his clothes off till he was left in his boxers. As he was climbing into his bed, his phone dinged. He picked it up and opened the new message from Sam.   
‘Night, Alfie ;)’  
Bucky laughs out loud and shakes his head humorously. He collapses onto his bed, holding the phone to his chest. He falls asleep with Sam on his mind.


	3. The Confidant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a harrowing nightmare, Bucky calls Sam for comfort. Sam asks a surprising question.

Bucky’s knee bounces under the table. He looks up at Sam, who gives him a sideways look.   
“What’s up, man? You seem fidgety today.”  
Bucky tears the corner of a sugar packet but doesn’t put it in his coffee.   
“I’ve just had a rough few days.”  
“You wanna talk about it?” Sam asks, one eyebrows raised in question. Bucky shrugs, eyes trained on the table. “I can’t sleep.”  
Sam stirs his coffee. “Why not?”  
“There’s too much on my mind.”  
“Yeah? Like what?”  
“Just...memories.” Bucky shakes his head. “They’re blurry, but they’re there.”  
“War memories?”  
Bucky takes a slow sip of his coffee. “No. Before.”  
Sam tilts his head. “What do you mean?”  
“Sometimes I forget who I was before,” Bucky explains. “I’ll get flashes of memories sometimes.”  
“Jesus,” Sam swears quietly. “What did they do to you over there?”  
Bucky busied himself with tearing the corner of a paper napkin, forcing himself not to look in Sam’s eyes. His throat feels scratchy as he tries to piece together enough of a memory to recall to Sam.   
“I was a POW,” he says after a few moments. “My team and I, we were the best there was. We dropped enemy bases like flies. We thought we were unstoppable.” Bucky swallows the lump in his throat. “We were on a mission, our most dangerous yet. My best friend and I were on this train, and I ended up hanging off of it. He couldn’t reach me, and I didn’t want him to fall trying to save me.”  
Bucky looks up and Sam’s face is twisted with concern. “You let go?”  
Bucky looks back down. “I couldn’t let him get hurt.” Tears sting his eyes as he remembers the look on Steve’s face as he fell towards the ground.   
“They all thought I died,” Bucky says.   
“What happened?” Sam asks gently.   
“I’d lost my arm. I lied there for hours, in shock, bleeding out, before someone found me” Bucky folds his lips inward. “But I would’ve rather died.”  
“Why’s that?”  
“The people who found me, they were the people whose bases we were taking down,” Bucky explains. Sam’s eyebrows furrow. “They captured and tortured me, made me do terrible things.”  
Sam’s hand reaches across the table to cover Bucky’s. “I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine that.”  
Bucky inhales deeply before continuing.   
“I don’t remember a lot of it. They would wipe my brain and start over so many times I just stopped trying to remember.”  
“That’s fucked up,” Sam says angrily, yet his tone was still soothing. “I’m so sorry.”  
Bucky shrugs and finally looks up at Sam. “I’m trying to get past it and get better.”  
“You are getting better,” Sam assures him with a small smile. “I notice it every time I see you.”  
Bucky’s eyes crinkle as his mouth turns up slightly. “Really?”  
“Yeah.” Sam nods his head. “It’s amazing how far you’ve come since that first meeting.”  
Bucky’s cheeks flush pink and he looks down to hide it. “Thank you,” he tells Sam. “I don’t deserve everything you’ve done for me.”  
“Nah.” Sam shakes his head. “You deserve more.”  
Bucky looks up, letting himself smile. “I couldn’t have gotten through these last two months without you.”  
Sam shrugs. “You’ve survived a lot, I’m sure you could survive living in D.C without me.”  
“No, I couldn’t have. I was lost when I moved here. You helped me find my way.”  
This time, Sam blushes. He chuckles and squeezes Bucky’s hand. “I’m really glad I met you.”  
Bucky smiles. “I’m glad I met you, too.”  
There’s a moment of silence while they look into each other’s eyes, something obviously unsaid between them.   
Finally, Sam laughs and sits up straight, pulling his hand away. “Look at us, using healthy coping methods and actually talking about our damage.”  
Bucky laughs with him. “It feels weird...but nice. Like I don’t have to shoulder it alone.”  
“You don’t,” Sam tells him with a genuine smile. “You never have to.”

 

The next few weeks pass with no trouble. Bucky goes to his doctor visit, with the company of Sam. (Sam had insisted). He gets a prescription for his anxiety and insomnia, and everything seems to be going well.   
He and Sam start spending more time together, doing more things and getting closer. The last person Bucky was this close to was Steve. It was dangerous, but he had to keep reminding himself he wasn’t the same person he was four months ago. He was different now. Better. He wasn’t going to hurt Sam, he knew that now. He trusted Sam, and he hoped Sam trusted him as well. 

So, when Bucky woke up at four am in a cold sweat, rushing to the bathroom to throw up his dinner from the night before, the first thing he wanted to do was call Sam.   
He stumbled back to his bedroom in a haze, knocking things over as he picks up his phone. He doesn’t exactly remember the call or what he says, he just remembers Sam insisting on coming over. Bucky didn’t have the energy to decline. 

Fifteen minutes later, Bucky’s doorbell rang. He dragged himself out of bed and stumbled through his living room to answer the door.   
After making sure it was Sam, he unlocked the door and opened it. Sam stood there, a look of apprehension on his face. All Bucky felt when he saw Sam was relief. He fell into Sam’s arms, burying his face in Sam’s neck.   
“Hey.” Sam’s a little taken aback, but he wraps his arms around Bucky. “What happened?”  
Bucky’s body shakes as silent sobs rack his body.   
“Hey, let’s sit down,” Sam suggests. Bucky inhales shakily and pulls away. He turns his back to Sam and shuffles to the couch. Sam joins him, sitting with enough distance between them.   
Bucky keeps his face down, his hair covering most of it.  
“Buck, you’re scaring me,” Sam tells him. Bucky wipes at his eyes.   
“Sorry,” he apologizes quietly. “I shouldn’t have called you.”   
“No,” Sam says firmly. “Never apologize for calling me when you’re in trouble, ok?”  
Bucky nods his head. “Ok.”  
“So, wanna talk about it?”  
Bucky swallows and picks at a loose thread on the couch. “I dreamt about the night I fell.” He looks down, averting his eyes from Sam’s. “I was falling and falling and falling, never hitting the ground or dying, just in purgatory for eternity.” He chews the inside of his bottom lip. “I saw my friends face, the fear in his eyes when I let go. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”  
Sam places his hand on Bucky’s knee. “You didn’t have a choice, Buck.”  
Bucky rubs a hand over his face.   
“What happened to your friend?” Sam asks.   
“He’s dead,” Bucky says grimly. “Sacrificed his own life to save millions of people.”  
“Jesus,” Sam curses and shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”  
Bucky looks up and offers a sad smile. “Thanks for coming over.”  
Sam smiles and claps Bucky’s knee. “Do you need anything?” he asks. “A drink or something to eat?”  
“I don’t want to inconvenience you.”  
“You’re not,” Sam tells him. “I wanna make sure you’re ok.”  
Bucky looks up, offering a small, grateful smile. “Thank you, Sam. Really.”  
“It’s nothing,” Sam says as he stands up.   
“Now, do you actually have anything in your fridge?”  
Bucky smiles sheepishly. “Maybe some eggs and bacon.”  
Sam chuckles and heads towards the kitchen. Bucky follows him, lifting himself up to sit on the counter. Sam eyes him. “You’re a child.”  
Bucky laughs quietly and turns his face down to hide his blush.   
Sam chuckles as he opens the fridge and gets out everything he needs. “So, is it always the same nightmare?” he asks.   
“No.” Bucky shakes his head. “Sometimes it’s memories from before the war, memories of my childhood and family.”  
Sam looks up. “Huh,” he says in surprise.   
“What?” Bucky asks.   
“I’ve just never heard you talk about your family before.”  
Bucky shrugs again. “They’re not in my life anymore.”  
“Oh.” Sam frowns. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s ok,” Bucky says. He didn’t think he could tell Sam that his family wasn’t in his life because they were all long dead. “What about your family? You still talk to them?”  
Sam cracks two eggs into a pan, his back to Bucky. “Um, my dad was killed when I was sixteen, and two years later, so was my mom.”  
Bucky’s brow furrows. “Jesus, Sam, that’s terrible.”  
Sam puts five pieces of bacon in a separate pan.   
“I have a sister, Sarah, and a niece and nephew.”  
“Do you ever get to see them?” Bucky asks.   
“They live in Harlem, so it’s hard to go see them a lot, but I try to go up at least once a year at Christmas.”  
Bucky smiles. “That must be nice.”  
“Yeah.” Sam nods his head as he flips the bacon. “Sarah’s husband passed a few years ago, so it’s just her and the kids. I try to help out as much as I can.”  
“That’s nice of you,” Bucky tells him. “Though I’m not surprised. You’re probably the most upstanding guy I’ve met.”  
Sam chuckles as he turns the burner off and searches the cabinets for plates. “I’m actually flying to New York in two weeks when Christmas vacation starts for the kids.” Sam piles the food onto one plate and hands it to Bucky.   
“Thank you,” Bucky says with a small smile. Sam gets two forks from a drawer and hands them to Bucky before hoisting himself up to sit on the counter beside Bucky.   
“Who’s gonna take over at the V.A?” Bucky asks as he dips his eggs in ketchup.   
“Someone always volunteers. I’m not worried about it.” Sam says as he takes a bite of a piece of bacon. “Why? You wanna do it?”  
Bucky laughs and shakes his head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”  
Sam just hums in acknowledgement.   
They sit in silence for a few minutes as they finish their food.   
“You know, I just had a crazy thought,” Sam says as he’s on his last bite.   
“Yeah?” Bucky asks. Sam sets the plate aside.   
“You should come to New York with me.”   
Bucky looks up, eyebrows arched. “Are you serious?”  
Sam shrugs. “I mean, do you have plans for the Holidays?”  
Bucky shakes his head. “No. I don’t.”  
Sam smiles softly. “You shouldn’t be alone. So if you’re up for it, you should come.”  
“Your family wouldn’t care?”  
“Nah.” Sam shakes his head. “They’d love you.”  
“I don’t know…” Bucky sighs. “Let me think about it?”  
“Of course man, no sweat.”  
Bucky smiles sweetly. “Thanks for coming over.”  
“Don’t mention it.” Sam shrugs. “Though, I should probably let you get back to sleep.” He hops off the counter and Bucky follows suit.   
“You can crash on my couch so you don’t have to drive home,” Bucky offers.   
“I don’t want to impose, man.”  
“You do so much for me, Sam. Don’t even think about it. I’ll get you a blanket and some sweatpants.” 

 

Within ten minutes, Sam is changed into a pair of Bucky’s sweatpants, watching as Bucky gathers blankets from a closet in the hallway.   
“Thanks, Buck, I really appreciate this.”  
“It’s no problem, really,” Bucky shrugs. He walks back to the living room with Sam on his heels.   
“Besides, I didn’t want to listen to you bitching about not getting enough sleep.”  
Sam huffs with laughter. “I never complain.”  
Bucky snorts. “If you say so.”  
Sam grins sarcastically as Bucky lays out the blankets on the couch. Bucky looks up when he’s done.   
“There you go,” he says with a small smile, which Sam returns.   
After saying goodnight, Sam settles onto the couch. Just as Bucky was about to disappear down the hall, Sam called his name. He turns and walks back to the living room.   
“Yeah?”  
Sam sits up so he can look over the back of the couch.   
“I just...I wanted to say that I’m really proud of you.”  
Bucky looks down at his feet. He still wasn’t used to Sam’s constant praise. “Thanks, Sam.”  
“I mean it, man,” Sam says. “You’ve made a lot of progress.”  
Bucky looks back up at him and then walks around the couch, sitting down at Sam’s feet.   
“You’re the first person in years to treat me like a human being instead of a machine,” Bucky tells him. He wasn’t sure why he was telling Sam this. “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me, Sam. I wish there was some way I could repay you.”  
“You don’t need to do that.” Sam shrugs. “You deserve to be treated right.”  
Bucky looks up at him with a genuine smile. He looked right into Sam’s amber orbs, and oh, that was a mistake, because now he was lost in them. Lost in Sam’s kind smile and that line on his forehead and the way Sam’s head was tilted just slightly.   
Sam looked back at him, not saying a word, not wanting to break this. His mind goes back to that night at the aquarium, when he was sure Bucky was about to kiss him. He thinks about how badly he’d wanted it, wanted Bucky. But when Bucky pulled away, Sam’s heart had sunk. If Bucky didn’t want this, Sam knew he could just be friends, and that would be enough, it had to be, because Bucky’s needs came first.   
“Sam…” Bucky says quietly. Sam blinks and breaks eye contact. Bucky’s heart speeds up for a minute. He chews the inside of his lip as he looks at Sam, who was looking anywhere but at him.   
He closes his eyes and inhales slowly. “Sam,” he says again.   
Sam looks up at him, his eyes heavy with unsaid words. “Bucky.”  
Bucky’s forehead creases just the slightest, almost unnoticeable had Sam not been studying his face desperately.   
Bucky’s voice cuts through the tension. “I’m not gonna be able to sleep.”  
Sam’s eyebrows arch in question. That’s not what he had expected. He quickly covered up his disappointment. “What do you mean?”  
“I can’t sleep after I’ve had a nightmare.”  
Sam’s head nods once in realization. “Oh.”  
He searches Bucky’s eyes for a second. “Do you wanna watch a movie? I’m not gonna be able to sleep at this hour anyways.”  
Bucky thinks for a moment before nodding his head. “Yeah.”

They put on Pacific Rim and somewhere in the middle of the movie, Bucky digs ice cream out of his freezer, and they sit there, shoulders brushing, eyes on the tv.   
Bucky hopes Sam can’t hear how fast his heart is beating or feel his pulse. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. This was Sam. Sam was easy going and comfortable to be around. He was funny and lighthearted and also deep and emotional and a shoulder to lean on whenever Bucky needed. He was Bucky’s friend. Bucky’s only friend. His best friend.   
“Hey, Sam?” Bucky asks as he sets his empty bowl on the coffee table.   
“Hmm?” Sam hums.   
Bucky sits back against the couch and looks at Sam. He forces himself to get out the next sentence. “How long are you in New York?”  
Sam looks up at him, eyes hopeful.   
“A week,” he answers. Bucky’s lips pull up slightly at the edges.   
“Does your offer still stand?”   
Sam full on grins now. “Of course it does.”  
Bucky nods his head once, making a final decision. “Ok.” He lets himself laugh quietly. “I want to go.”


	4. Movements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Bucky fly to Harlem for Christmas.

Bucky huffs in frustration. The plane was set to leave in four hours, Sam was supposed to pick him up in an hour, and he was just now packing. He’d told himself he’d do it last night, but he’d procrastinated so long that he didn’t have time last night.   
He was nervous. Yes, he was nervous. He was about to spend seven days with Sam and his family. He was about to spend Christmas with Sam and his family. And, the most rational thing Bucky’s brain could do right now was think of all the ways it could go wrong. Like, what if Sam’s family didn’t like him? What if they didn’t want him there? This was the one time a year they got to see Sam, why should Bucky interrupt that?  
He huffs again and places a pair of jeans into his suitcase, trying not to think about that. 

 

An hour later, Sam showed up, grinning like an idiot.   
“What are you smiling at?” Bucky asks as he wheels his suitcase down the hallway.   
“I’m excited!” Sam exclaims. “I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”  
Bucky’s mouth forms a thin smile. Sam quirks his head.   
“What’s wrong?”  
Bucky shrugs.im just nervous, I guess.” He presses the button for the elevator, waiting for it to open.   
“Nervous?” Sam asks as they step into the elevator. “About what?”  
Bucky pushes the button for the ground floor. “About meeting them, I guess. I want them to like me.”  
Sam smiles. “They will.” He pats Bucky’s back reassuringly. “I promise you have nothing to worry about.” 

 

They get to the airport and go through security with no problems, and before they know it, they’re on the plane, waiting for takeoff.   
Bucky grips his armrest tightly, remembering another reason he’d procrastinated packing last night.   
“Hey, man, what’s wrong?” Sam asks.   
“You know how I told you I don’t do good with heights?” Bucky asks.   
“Shit,” Sam swears. “I’m sorry, Bucky.”  
“It’s ok.” Bucky nods his head quickly and sucks in a breath. He could feel the panic setting in already. “Ok.” Sam looks around for a minute, not sure what he was looking for. He turns back to Bucky, placing his hand over Bucky’s. “Ok, just focus on me, alright,” he says calmly. “Just close your eyes and pretend your someplace nice.”  
“Ok.” Bucky nods his head. “I can do that.”   
The plane begins to move down the runway, and Bucky’s fingers curl around Sam’s tightly.   
“Doing ok?” Sam asks. Bucky nods stiffly. “Not gonna throw up on me?” Sam asks, trying to lighten the mood.   
“If I were to throw up, I would aim for you,” Bucky says, his tone a little lighter than before. Sam chuckles and squeezes Bucky’s hand. “But no, I think I’m fine,” he answers.   
The plane takes off, and Sam was sure Bucky would break his fingers with how hard he was squeezing. But as long as Bucky was ok, Sam couldn’t be bothered to give a damn. 

An hour later, Bucky unbuckled his seatbelt, much to Sam’s surprise. He’d told Bucky that once the seatbelt light was off he could undo it, but Bucky just shook his head, refusing.   
“Where you goin’?” Sam asks as Bucky stands up.   
“Bathroom,” Bucky says, looking towards the back of the plane.   
“Are you ok? You gonna throw up?”  
“I just have to pee,” Bucky says with a teasing smile. He thought it was cute how much Sam worried for him. 

When the plane finally landed, Bucky waited till everyone else had gotten off to stand up.   
They gathered their bags from the overhead compartments and got off the plane.   
“So, where’s your sister meeting us?” Bucky asks.   
Sam was about to answer when something caught his eye. He smiled wide and grabbed Bucky’s arm with his free hand. “Wha-” Bucky caught sight of the woman waving to them at the bottom of the escalator.   
It seemed the moving stairs weren’t fast enough for Sam. He was fidgety and grinning until he stepped off and pulled his sister into a bone crushing hug.   
“Oh gosh!” Sarah exclaims as she hugs him back. “It’s so good to see you, Sammy.”   
Sam wrinkles his nose at the nickname, but smiles nonetheless. He looks back at Bucky, who was standing awkwardly a few feet away.   
“Sarah, this is Bucky, the friend I was telling you about,” Sam says, gesturing for Bucky to come closer. He does, and extends his hand for Sarah. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says with a smile. “Sam’s told me a lot about you.”  
Sarah shakes his hand firmly. “Sam’s told me a lot about you, too,” she says with a sly smile. Bucky’s cheeks heat up as he pulls his hand away.   
“Where’re the kids?” Sam asks, looking around for his niece and nephew.   
“They’re with our neighbors,” Sarah says as she takes hold of Sam’s suitcase. “They’re so excited to see you.”  
Sam smiles and follows Sarah out of the airport, Bucky at his side. 

 

When they get to Sarah’s apartment building, they follow her up to the third floor.   
Just as she’s unlocking her door, the door opposite hers swings open and two kids run up to Sam, each hugging one of his legs. One girl and one boy. Sam has told Bucky a little bit about them. The boy, Jody, was eight, and the girl, Tess, was six.   
“Uncle Sam!” they both exclaim. Sam grins wide and laughs as he bends down to hug them.   
“I missed you so much!” he tells them. The little girl pulls away and smiles at him.   
“We missed you, too.” She looks up at Bucky and smiles at him. “Hi! I’m Tessa! Tess for short.”  
Bucky smiles down at her. “I’m Bucky,” he says. “I’m your uncle’s friend.” Tess wiggles out of Sam’s grip and goes to Bucky, holding her arms up.   
“Tess,” Sarah scolds.   
“No, it’s alright,” Bucky assures her. He bends down and gives her a quick hug. “It’s nice to meet you, Tess.”  
“I like you,” she decides when she pulls away.   
“I’m glad,” Bucky says with a smile. Tess giggles and runs back to her mother.   
“Where’s your arm?”   
Bucky looks down at the little boy by Sam’s side. “Jody!” Both Sam and Sarah scold him at the same time, but Bucky just smiles.   
“Somewhere in an English ravine, I think.”  
Jody’s mouth falls open. “That’s awesome!”  
“Jody, Tess, go inside,” Sarah tells them. They groan but obey their mother.   
Once they’re inside, Sarah apologizes to Bucky. “I’m so sorry about them.”  
Bucky just waves her off. “Don’t apologize, they seem like great kids.”  
Sarah smiles gratefully. “I’m gonna put a teapot on, so come in and make yourselves at home.”

 

Ten minutes later, Sam and Bucky were sitting on the bed in Sarah’s guest room, unpacking their suitcases.   
“Feeling overwhelmed yet?” Sam asks. Bucky chuckles and shakes his head.   
“No. I like them.”  
Sam smiles. “I’m glad you do. I have to admit, I was a little nervous about you meeting them.”  
Bucky looks up. “Why?”  
Sam shrugs. “Because you’re important to me, and I wanted you to like my family.”  
Bucky smiles teasingly. “You were nervous?”  
Sam laughs and lightly smacks Bucky’s arm. “Shut up.”  
Bucky just laughs and nudges Sam. “You don’t need to be, I like them.”  
Sam looks down to hide the blush on his cheeks. “I’m really glad you came.”  
“Me, too.”

 

Sarah pours three mugs of green tea and sets them out on the table in front of Sam and Bucky.   
Bucky smiles up at her. “Thank you.”  
Sarah sits down beside Sam.   
“So, how did you two meet?” she asks, giving Sam a quick look Bucky couldn’t quite decipher.   
“Bucky came into the V.A one night, all mysterious and angsty,” Sam says, his tone teasing.   
Bucky glares playfully at him before looking back at Sarah. “I was new in town, fresh out of the military and looking for support.”  
“Well, I’m glad you found Sam, he’s great at what he does.”  
Bucky smiles, eyes averting to Sam for a split second. “Yeah, he is.”  
“Stop makin me blush,” Sam says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Sarah laughs and smacks Sam’s arm.   
They go about making small talk, and Bucky sneaks glances at Sam the entire time. 

 

The five of them eat dinner, making polite conversation, Sam and Bucky poking fun at each other, and Jody and Tess laughing at Sam’s stories.   
It was all so peaceful and domestic. Bucky cherished every minute of it. 

After dinner, Sam insisted he and Bucky do the dishes while Sarah put up her feet for a few minutes. Sam washed and Bucky dried.   
“Hey, I got the couch if you wanna take the bed,” Sam says after a while of silence.   
Bucky looks up, eyebrows raised in question.   
“There’s just the one guest bed,” Sam explains. “And I’m not about to let you sleep on the couch.”  
“Oh,” Bucky says dumbly. He hadn’t even thought of that. “Thanks.”  
Sam give him a weird look and goes back to doing the dishes. 

 

Bucky lies on his back, staring at the ceiling through the darkness. He taps his fingers on his stomach, unable to sleep, wishing someone was beside him, and not on the couch. 

 

Bucky doesn’t get much sleep that night, instead he thinks about Sam. Sam, sleeping on the couch instead of in the same bed as Bucky.   
Bucky sighs as he sits up and rubs his eyes. He stands from the bed and shuffles out of the bedroom and down the hallway.   
He finds Sam in the kitchen, standing over the stove. Bucky stops for a minute to admire Sam. He looked so soft in his worn t-shirt and sweatpants.   
Bucky leans against the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest.   
“Whatcha doin?”  
Sam turns and smiles at Bucky.   
“I thought I’d make breakfast.”  
Bucky returns the smile. “That’s very nice of you.” He pushes himself off the doorframe and goes to stand beside Sam.   
“Sleep ok?” Sam asks as he pushes around scrambled eggs in a pan.   
“Yeah,” he lies. He didn’t think he could tell Sam he didn’t sleep because he wished Sam was there with him. “You?”  
Sam nods his head. “Mmhh.”  
Bucky glances at him, eyeing him up and down. “What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing,” Sam shrugs, and winces when he does.   
“Sam… did you hurt your shoulder sleeping on the couch?” Bucky asks in a baby voice. Sam glares at him.  
“No.”  
“Sam.”  
“Ok, maybe a little.”  
“Do you want the bed tonight?”  
“No.”  
“You’re getting the bed tonight.”  
“No, Buck, I’m fine.”  
Bucky raises his eyebrow. “Just take the bed.”  
“Stop being so stubborn.”  
“Well, would you rather us both sleep in the bed?” Bucky says it as a joke, but Sam stops. He looks at Bucky blankly.   
Shit. Bucky realized what he’s said, and before he can take it back, Sam is talking.   
“I mean, I don’t—I guess there’s no harm in that.”  
Bucky blinks a few times, processing what he’d just heard.   
“Your eggs will burn,” he says finally. Sam’s eyebrows furrow for a second before he turns back to the stove.   
They don’t speak until Sarah and the kids join them for breakfast. 

 

After a quiet breakfast, Sarah informs them that the kids want to do some last minute Christmas shopping. She promises they’ll be back before dinner.   
Bucky thought he and Sam would just stay in, but Sam wanted to show him around Harlem, and Bucky wasn’t about to say no to that. 

 

Sam points across the street to a large brick building, a sad smile on his lips.   
“That’s where I went to high school,” he tells Bucky.   
“Not a good time?” Bucky asks as he shoves his hands in his pockets. The air was chilly, sending a shiver through Bucky’s body.   
Sam doesn’t say anything for a minute, and keeps walking. Bucky stays by his side, not pushing him to elaborate.   
“Some of the kids there weren’t exactly open minded,” Sam says after a minute. “I used to get in a lot of fights. None that I started, but it was always me who got blamed for it.”  
Bucky’s brow creases. “Why?”  
Sam shrugs. “Because I was one of three black kids at the school, they had to blame someone.”  
Bucky frowns. “They picked on you because you’re black? Shit, Sam. That’s fucking messed up.”  
Sam scoffs quietly. “My dad was a minister,” he says. “After all that happened to me, I kind of turned my back on religion. I thought my dad would be so mad, but he told me that it was my choice to make, and no matter what, he would be proud of me.”   
Bucky smiles at that.   
“He um…” Sam kicks at a stone on the sidewalk. “He was killed two days later, trying to break up a street fight.”  
Bucky’s heart aches for Sam. He reaches for Sam’s arm, touching him gently. “I’m sorry, Sam. You’re a good man, you didn’t deserve that.”  
Sam offers a small smile. “After my mom died I got into some bad shit. I was lost until Sarah pulled me out of the fire. I enlisted in the military three months later, and that’s when I met Riley.”  
Bucky glances at Sam as they continue down the sidewalk. “You really loved him, didn’t you?”  
Sam nods, a sad smile crossing his face. “Yeah. I did.”  
“How do you know?” Bucky asks. “How do you know when you love someone like that?”  
Sam chews his lip and shrugs. “You just...know. I don’t know how to explain it.” He looks at Bucky for a second. “You’ve never been in love?”  
Bucky looks ahead instead of at Sam. He hesitates for a second. “There was someone a long time ago. I don’t even know if it was love, but I could be myself. I don’t think I let myself love anyone like that though.”  
“Why not?”  
Bucky’s silent for a moment, as if he’s thinking of the right answer. “Before the war, I was carefree, I wasn’t thinking about the future, just the here and now. After the war, after all that torture and brainwashing, I didn’t trust myself to get that close to a person.”  
Sam glances at him for a split second. “Do you now?” he asks, voice almost hopeful.   
Bucky looks back at Sam, something dancing behind his eyes. “I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I guess I haven’t tried yet.” 

 

They spend the whole afternoon walking around Harlem, visiting places from Sam’s childhood. Bucky cherished every second of it, storing it in a special place in his heart made just for Sam. 

By the time they ate lunch and walked back to the apartment, Sarah and the kids were back. The second they opened the door, two little bodies rushed at them.   
“Uncle Sam! Bucky!”   
Bucky indulges them both in a hug, smiling down at them.   
“Hey, where’s mom?” Sam asks Tess, crouching down to her eye level.   
”She’s wrapping presents,” Tess answers giddily. “She told us to keep you out of her bedroom so you don’t see what she got you,” Jody says. Sam laughs and ushers them inside so he can close the door. “We got pizza for supper,” Jody says, already heading back to the living room where a children’s show was playing on the tv.   
Sam goes to the spare bedroom to put their shopping bags away, and Bucky sits beside Tess on the couch. She looks up at him quizzically.   
“Are you my uncle Sam’s boyfriend?” she asks.   
Bucky reels back, surprised by the question. “What?” he sputters. Tess shrugs.   
“He had a boyfriend, but he died. Uncle Sam doesn’t like talking about him. I asked mommy, and she said she didn’t know.”  
“Oh.” Bucky raises his eyebrows. “I’m not Sam’s boyfriend.”  
Tess’s face falls. “I wish you were.”  
“Oh, really?” Bucky laughs. “Why’s that?”  
“Because I want him to be happy, and I like you.”  
Bucky laughs again to ease his awkwardness. “Well, I’m glad you like me, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about the boyfriend situation.”  
Tess looks up at him, determination on her face. “Why not? Do you not like him?”  
Bucky scratches the back of his neck, hoping Sam would appear so he didn’t have to have this conversation.   
“No, I like him,” Bucky says. “It’s just — complicated.”  
“I think he likes you,” Tess says cheerily. Bucky raises his eyebrows.   
“Why do you say that?”  
She shrugs. “He seems happy when he’s with you.”  
Bucky smiles to himself. “I don’t know if that means he likes me. Maybe he’s just happy.”  
Tess chews her lips thoughtfully and sits back against the couch.   
“Maybe.”  
Sam comes back and Bucky almost lets out an audible sigh of relief. He sits beside Bucky on the couch, putting his arm over Bucky’s shoulder, across the back of the couch.   
“Sarah’s exhausted from shopping all day,” Sam says quietly into Bucky’s ear. “She promises we’ll do something fun tomorrow.”  
“Ok.” Bucky nods his head. “I mean, I had fun with you today.”  
Sam smiles, looks as if he’s about to say something, when Tess climbs on his lap. “Hey, you’re getting too heavy to do that,” Sam tells her with a joking smile. She giggles and cuddles up to him.   
“I wish you would visit more,” she tells him. He smiles and presses a kiss to her forehead.   
“Me, too.”  
“And bring Bucky, too.”  
Sam chuckles and glances at Bucky. “You like Bucky?”  
Tess nods her head vigorously. “Really?” Sam wrinkles his nose teasingly. “But he’s all smelly and greasy.”  
Tell giggles and hits Sam’s chest. “No he’s not!”  
“I’m with her,” Bucky says, smiling. Sam laughs and rests his head against the couch, turning to look at Bucky. His eyes held nothing but admiration for the man beside him.   
They sit there for a minute, neither willing to move or say anything, so as to not break the sincerity of the moment.   
But when Jody moves from his spot on the couch and throws himself onto Sam, the moment’s kinda over.   
Bucky laughs as Sam is forced onto the floor, pinned underneath his niece and nephew.   
“Ahh! You’re too heavy! I can’t breathe!” Sam laughs and playfully wrestles with them till they’re tired and out of breath, ready for bed. 

Sam had brought the kids to their bedroom a few minutes ago to put them to sleep, and Bucky had stayed back to watch the rest of whatever show was on tv. When it was over, he turned off the tv and started down the hallway, stopping when he heard Sam’s gentle voice. He was telling a story to Tess and Jody, a classic fairytale that Bucky actually recognized. He stopped by the door and leaned against the frame, waiting for Sam. Tess saw him and waved. Sam turns and smiles at Bucky, putting up one finger to indicate he’d be done soon.   
He finishes the story and stands up, kissing Tess on the top of her head. She was nearly asleep by now, but she smiled up at him.   
“Hey,” he says quietly as he shuts their door.   
“Hey.” Bucky smiles. “You’re really good with them.”  
Sam blushes as they walk down the hall to the guest room. “Thanks,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “I love them so much, and I only get to see them a week every year, so I try and make the most of it.”  
Bucky smiles sweetly. “That’s very noble of you.”  
Sam just chuckles and digs out something to sleep in. He goes to the bathroom to change and Bucky stays in the bedroom. 

When he comes back, Bucky’s changed and climbing into the bed, leaving enough room for Sam on the other side.   
Sam closes the door and walks towards the bed, looking nervous. He draws back the cover and climbs into the bed.   
Bucky lies on his side, facing Sam. Sam turns off the lamp and lays down, staring up at the barely visible ceiling.   
“You ever think about having kids?” Bucky asks through the darkness.   
Sam breathes in heavily. “Why do you ask?”  
Bucky shrugs, Sam can feel the subtle movement. “You’re so good with Jody and Tess, I was just wondering if you wanted that for yourself.”  
Sam shifts so he’s on his side. He can just make out Bucky’s face in the darkness.   
“I guess I’ve never had the chance to think about it. With Riley, all we knew was the military, so we never talked about it. I haven’t had many serious relationships aside from him.”  
“What about doing it on your own?” Bucky asks.   
Sam takes a minute to answer. “I guess I’ve never thought about that.”  
There’s another minute of silence. “What about you?” Sam asks. “Do you ever want that kind of life?”  
“Yeah.” Bucky nods. “I didn’t always, but I’ve learned a lot about myself since getting out.”   
“I think you’d be a good dad,” Sam tells him. Bucky smiles.   
“You, too, Sam.”  
“You gonna shut up now so I can get some sleep?”  
Bucky laughs quietly and rolls onto his back, a feeling of warmth in his chest as he drifts off.


	5. In The Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After hearing a conversation between Sam and Sarah, Bucky acts without thinking and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Bucky wakes the next morning with a face full of Sam’s armpit. He groans and rolls over onto his side of the bed, cracking an eye open. He looks over his shoulder at Sam, who’s waking up with him. Sam groans as he opens his eyes.   
“Hey.” Bucky says.   
Sam sits up and rubs his eyes. “I smell coffee.”  
Bucky laughs and rolls onto his back. “That’s the first thing you say in the morning?”  
“Shut up,” Sam says, playfully smacking Bucky’s chest. “I’m gonna go get a cup, you want any?”  
“Give me a bit,” Bucky replies. “Need a few minutes to wake up.”  
Sam chuckles and claps Bucky on the back before he stands up. Bucky watches as he goes, throwing himself back against the pillows and closing his eyes. 

He finally gives in and drags himself out of bed, shuffling down the hallway.   
He’s almost to the kitchen when he hears his name, causing him to halt just outside the kitchen.   
“So, what’s the deal with Bucky?” He hears Sarah ask.   
“What do you mean?” Bucky could distinctly recognize Sam’s voice.   
“I mean...is he single?” Sarah asks. Bucky creases his brow.   
“I think so, he hasn’t mentioned anything to me,” Sam says. “Why? You interested?”  
Sarah snorts. “I don’t want you pining after my boyfriend.”  
“What?” Sam sputters.   
“Don’t bullshit me, Sam,” Sarah laughs. “I see how you are with him.”  
“And how’s that?”  
Bucky’s breathing becomes shallow as he listens to the conversation.   
“Sam, deny it all you want, but I haven’t seen you this happy since before Riley died.”  
“Sarah…” Sam’s voice held warning. “Don’t go there.”  
“Look, it’s your business, I just want you to be happy.”  
“I am.”  
“Ok, I believe you.”  
Bucky can hear Sam sigh. “I don’t know how I feel about him, ok? But I know he’s not ready for anything, and I don’t even think he’s into guys, so I’m staying out of that territory.”  
“Are you ready?” Sarah asks him. There’s a moment of silence before Sam answers.   
“Maybe. I don’t know.” Sam sighs. “It’s been three years since Riley…”  
Bucky goes back to the bedroom before he can hear anymore. He closes the door quietly and presses his back to it, letting his head lull back. “Shit.” 

Bucky gives it a few minutes before he goes back out. He walks into the kitchen like he hadn’t just heard the conversation Sarah and Sam had had about him.   
“Morning, Bucky,” Sarah smiles when he walks in. “Morning.” Bucky returns the smile.   
“Coffee?” Sam asks, holding up the pot.   
“Please,” Bucky sighs. Sam chuckles and pours him a cup.   
“I was thinking about bringing the kids to see Santa this afternoon, you two interested in coming along?” Sarah asks, leaning against the doorframe.   
“Yeah, that sounds cool.” Bucky nods as he accepts the cup of coffee from Sam. He mutters a ‘thanks’ before taking a sip. “As long as I get to see Sam sit on Santa’s lap.”  
Sarah laughs over the brim of her coffee cup and Sam looks away to hide the blush on his cheeks.   
“What? Is that not what we’re doing?” Bucky asks and Sam smacks his arm.   
“Dumbass.”  
Bucky smiles and sips his coffee, knocking Sam’s foot with his own.   
Sarah watches as they dote on each other, smiling to herself. Even if Sam couldn’t see this thing between them, she could. 

 

Bucky watches as Sam brings Jody and Tess up to the mall Santa. He stays there with them while they tell Santa what they want.   
Sarah leans in closer to Bucky.   
“So, you and Sam are pretty close, huh?” she asks. Bucky doesn’t look at her, but at Sam. He shrugs. “I guess so.”  
“What do you think of him?”  
“He’s a good guy, good friend.” Bucky hopes she wouldn’t bring up the conversation from the kitchen. “Why do you ask?”  
“I’m just wondering what your relationship is.” Sarah shrugs casually.   
“Friends,” Bucky replies simply. “Just friends.”  
Sarah furrows her brows at him. “I like you, Bucky,” she tells him.   
He gives her a weird look. “Thanks…?”  
“But I love my brother, and I just wanna make sure he’s not gonna get hurt.”  
“I don’t want to hurt Sam,” Bucky says insistently. “I can’t even imagine hurting him.”  
Sarah looks forward at Sam, who was still with Jody and Tess.   
“After Riley died, he didn’t get out of bed for two weeks. He’s been different ever since, but seeing him with you...he’s happy, Bucky.”  
Bucky swallows and looks down at his feet. “I heard you and Sam this morning.”  
Sarah raises her eyebrows. “Oh…”  
“I didn’t mean to, it was an accident,” Bucky tells her quickly. “But I heard it.”  
“So you know how he feels then.”  
Bucky shakes his head. “He doesn’t see me that way. He could never.”  
“Why not?” Sarah asks. “Because you’re a war survivor? Because you’re an amputee? None of that matters to Sam.”  
“I know,” Bucky sighs. He watches as Sam helps Jody off Santa’s lap and lifts Tess up. “I know he’s not like that.”  
“Then why not go for it?” Sarah urges him.   
“Because he’s too good,” Bucky says simply. “He’s so good and I would just corrupt him.”  
“That’s bullshit.”  
Bucky looks down at Sarah in surprise.   
“He’s the sweetest man I know, and he deserves happiness. So if you truly don’t have feelings for him, that’s ok, but if you do, please go for it, I know you’ll regret it if you don’t.”  
Her words linger in Bucky’s mind the rest of the day. He thinks about it until he’s getting into bed with Sam after being out all day. 

Sam lets out a sigh as he settles into the bed, letting his eyes flutter shut. Beside him, Bucky shifts so he’s facing Sam. He studies Sam’s face in the dark for a minute before breaking the silence.   
“Sam?” he whispers.   
Hmm?” Sam hums. Bucky swallows and moves a little closer.   
“Sam.”   
Sam sighs and opens his eyes. “What is it?” he asks tiredly. Bucky searches Sam’s eyes in the dark. He moves closer until his lips are on Sam’s, brushing together experimentally.   
As soon as it begins, it’s over. He pulls away and stares at Sam for a second before shifting so his back is to Sam.   
He closes his eyes and wills his heart to slow down to a normal pace. Why why why? Why did he do that? He shouldn’t have listened to Sarah, this was a mistake.   
Sam waits a minute, a little confused, but heart happy. He looks at Bucky, reaches over and touches his shoulder.   
“Buck…”  
Bucky doesn’t answer. “Buck… can I?”   
Bucky’s head moves just the slightest in a nod. Sam feels his heart fill with relief. He gets his arm around Bucky’s waist and pulls Bucky to his chest, falling asleep with a smile on his face. 

Bucky wakes before Sam does the next morning. Sam’s arm is still around his waist, his face is in Bucky’s neck, and one of his legs is wedged between Bucky’s.   
Bucky feels warm all the way to his toes. He closes his eyes as the finality of what he’d done last night sets in. He couldn’t take it back or make Sam forget.   
With much hesitation, he carefully untangles himself from Sam and crosses the room, looking back at Sam, sprawled across the bed, before he shuts the door.   
The apartment was silent, and Bucky realized it was probably too early for anyone to be awake yet. But when Bucky got to the kitchen, Sarah was already there, sipping a cup of coffee, wearing her nursing scrubs.   
“Hey.” She smiles at Bucky from the brim of her mug.   
“Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was awake,” Bucky says sheepishly.   
“I got called in to work a shift at the hospital,” Sarah explains. “I promised the kids we’d take them ice skating today, they’re gonna be so disappointed.”  
Bucky shifts on his feet. “Sam and I can take them,” he says before he can think it through. Sarah’s face lights up. “Really? You wouldn’t mind?”  
Bucky shakes his head. He was in it now. “No, it’ll be fun.”  
Sarah smiles in relief. “Thank you so much. They’ve been looking forward to this all year.”  
Bucky smiles genuinely down at her. “It’s no problem.”  
“They seem to have taken a liking to you,” Sarah tells him. Bucky blushes and rubs the back of his neck.   
“They’re good kids. You’re doing a really amazing job with them.”  
Sarah smiles and sips her coffee. “Well, I hope so.” She pours a cup of coffee for Bucky and hands it to him. “Is Sam awake?” she asks.   
Bucky’s mind drifts back to the image of Sam snoozing, sprawled across the bed, face in the pillows, looking as peaceful as Bucky had ever seen him.   
Bucky shakes his head. “No.”  
“So you guys just decided to give up on the couch?”  
Bucky’s cheeks flare pink. “He hurt his shoulder the first night, and he wouldn’t let me sleep on the couch.”  
Sarah raise her eyebrows. “You’re both sleeping in the guest bed?”  
Bucky’s looks anywhere but Sarah’s eyes. She laughs as she sips her coffee. “Scandalous.”  
Bucky’s cheeks turn hot red as he shakes his head. “It’s not like that,” he says, trying to bury the memory of kissing Sam.   
Sarah raises a brow. “Mmmm.”  
Bucky laughs and takes a sip of his coffee. He looks at Sarah and his expression hardens. “I hope I can trust you, because I trust Sam, and I know how much you mean to him-”  
“Don’t beat around the bush. I can tell there’s something you want to get off your chest.” Unlike Sam, Sarah didn’t have time for Bucky’s ramblings. Bucky was thankful for that right now.   
He inhales and wraps both his hands around his warm mug. “I did something stupid last night and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”  
“What’d you do?” Sarah asks, her tone gentler than before.   
“I was thinking about what you said yesterday about going for it with Sam, so...in the heat of the moment last night, I sort of kissed him.”  
Sarah’s eyes practically bug out of her face. “What? Oh my god!” Her smile stretches from ear to ear. “That’s amazing.” But Bucky wasn’t smiling. Sarah’s face falls a little. “Was it not well received?”  
Bucky shrugs. “I don’t know. I kind of freaked out and clammed up.”   
“What did Sam do?”   
Bucky looks down at his feet as he chews his lip. The moment shared between them seemed too intimate to share, but it was Sarah, and Bucky desperately needed advice. “He um...he spooned me.” Bucky’s cheeks go red as he says the words. He’d never been this flustered before.   
Sarah’s lips turn up. “And you’re still not sure how he feels?”   
Bucky looks at her with determination. “It’s not that simple.”  
Sarah leans against the counter. “I know it’s not always simple, but I can see the way he looks at you, and, not to oversell it, but he hasn’t looked at anyone like that since-”  
“Riley,” Bucky finishes for her, and she draws back in surprise. Bucky sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “Maybe that’s why I’m so hesitant.”  
Sarah tilts her head. “What do you mean?”  
“Riley,” Bucky says as if it’s so simple. “I know how much Sam loved him, and how bad it hurt when he lost him. So what if I can’t give Sam what he deserves after losing so much? Because he deserves everything.”  
Sarah’s face softens. “I know he does, and I think you can give it to him.” Sarah pauses for a second. “Can I tell you something?” she asks. “You can’t tell Sam I told you this, he’d kill me.”  
Bucky nods his head. “Of course.”  
“Ok, two months after Sam met you, he called me and we got to talking, and he told me about you. He talked for at least an hour about you.”  
Bucky’s eyebrows raise in surprise.   
“Every week he called me and he couldn’t help but talk about you. And the way he described you, I felt like I knew you through him. He spoke so fondly of you, Bucky.” Sarah places a gentle hand on Bucky’s arm. “I’m not overselling when I say he loves you.”  
Bucky’s throat suddenly feels like sandpaper. He looks up at Sarah with damp eyes.   
“He doesn’t-”  
“He does.” The look in Sarah’s eyes told him everything he needed to know, and Bucky wasn’t sure how to deal with that information.   
Sarah gently squeezes his arm. “He does.”

 

After Sarah’s gone to work, Sam gets the kids ready to go.   
Tess comes bounding out of the bedroom in a white puffy coat, followed by Jody, chasing after her. Sam comes out a second later, holding Jody’s coat.   
Bucky watches as Sam corrals the kids in the living room, trying to coax Jody into his jacket. He smiles and leans against the doorframe of the kitchen. He thinks about his talk with Sarah this morning, about her confession about how Sam felt, and her advice to go for it.   
“Bucky!” Tess squeals and runs to Bucky, clinging to his legs. He smiles and holds her there, looking down at her with amusement.   
“What’s up?” he asks.   
“Uncle Sam is chasing me!”  
Bucky looks up just as Sam turns to run after Tess. Sam stops, his eyes going soft when he sees Bucky. There’s so much unspoken between them, and it never seems the right time to say it.   
“Really?” Bucky breaks eye contact with Sam to look down at Tess.   
“He’s jealous.”  
Bucky laughs softly. “Of what?”  
“You,” Tess says simply, looking up at Bucky with doe eyes. “I said I wanna skate with you today.”  
Bucky smiles and crouches down to Tess’ eye level. He reaches up and fixes her messy hair. “Sorry to disappoint, but I probably won’t be doing much skating.”  
Tess’ face falls. “Why not?”  
Bucky shrugs. “Don’t know how.”  
Tess’ mouth drops. “You don’t know how to ice skate?”   
Bucky shakes his head.   
“Uncle Sam will teach you!”  
Bucky looks up at Sam, his eyebrows knit together. Sam gives a soft, understanding smile.   
“Of course I’ll show you.”  
“See!” Tess says, matter-of-factly. Bucky stands back up, a small smile on his lips.   
They were ok, he knew that now. 

 

“Ok. Ok, stand up—” Sam can’t even through the sentence without laughing. Bucky scowls up at him from his place on the bench.   
“I can’t.”  
Sam holds out his right hand. “Just trust me.”  
They lock eyes, and Bucky can see the underlying message there. He sighs and takes Sam’s hand. “I do,” he says. Sam smiles softly and pulls Bucky up to his feet.   
Bucky wobbled and swayed, but Sam held him steady.   
“Ok, just follow my lead and you’ll be fine.”  
Sam helps him onto the ice, holding his hand the entire time. Bucky spotted Tess and Jody on the other side of the arena, laughing and just having fun. “Watch my feet,” Sam instructs. He was skating backwards so he could help Bucky. “Do what I do, ok?”  
Bucky nods his head. “Can’t believe you’ve never ice skated,” Sam says, his tone slightly teasing. “Shut up.” Bucky laughs. He tightly grips Sam’s hand, following the movements of his feet, just concentrating on Sam. 

They spend the better part of an hour like that. Sam skating backwards, holding Bucky’s hand and talking him through it.   
It was nice, Bucky thought; intimate. Them.   
“You wanna try on your own now?” Sam asks after awhile. Bucky looks up at him with trepidation, and Sam laughs. “You’ll do great,” he promises. Bucky purses his lips and nods his head.   
“Ok, I’ll try.” He lets go of Sam’s hand and begins moving on his own. At first he feels confident, but when he starts to slip he grabs for Sam’s arm, holding on tightly. “Maybe not quite ready yet.”  
“That’s ok,” Sam tells him with a reassuring smile. “It took me awhile to get as good as I am.”  
Bucky raises a brow. “I’d say you’re average.”  
Sam laughs. “Oh, really?”  
Bucky’s mouth curls up. “Really.”  
Sam can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. “You’re pretty cocky for someone who needs help ice skating.”   
They continue to banter and joke with each other all afternoon. Bucky had expected it to be awkward, but their rapor hadn’t changed in the least. Maybe last night wasn’t such a big mistake. 

Later, Jody and Tess join them, and Bucky can finally skate on his own, though he does miss Sam’s steady hold.   
Tess insists on holding Bucky’s hand for the majority of the time. She talks to him the entire time, telling him stories about her school and of Sam and Jody and anything else under the sun. He laughs and nods his head as she goes on and on.  
After awhile, he catches Sam’s eye from across the rink. Sam was showing Jody how to do a skate trick, but he stopped for a second when he saw Bucky looking at him. He smiled softly as his cheeks flushed. He quickly looked away, and so did Bucky, but not before noticing the twinge of warmth in his stomach. 

Around six they go for dinner. Sam suggests this old diner he used to go to as a kid, and everyone is too tired to really care. 

Jody and Sam sit on one side of the booth, and Tess and Bucky sit on the other side. They order their food and a calm conversation floats through the diner.   
Bucky sits back and listens to Sam, Jody, and Tess recalling events of the day. He smiles fondly as he watches Sam make obscure hand motions to get his points across. He must’ve been staring, because when Sam catches him, his eyes narrow teasingly.   
Bucky looks away, his cheeks tinged pink. Sam just smiles and shakes his head lightly. Things hadn’t been tense between them like they’d both expected, but something had definitely shifted in their relationship. 

 

“Shhh!” Sam whispers as he unlocks the apartment. “Mommy might be asleep.”   
Bucky is holding a sleeping Tess in his arm. Her head is pressed to his chest, and he can hear her light breathing.   
“But it’s only eight,” Jody says.   
“I know, but she worked a long shift, so let’s just be quiet and get to bed, ok?”  
Jody nods his head. “Ok.”  
Sam pushes the door open and gestures for them to follow him. He closes the door quietly and Bucky follows him to the kids bedroom, trying not to wake Tess up in the process.   
He sets her down in her bed and smiles down at her as she stirs. Sam comes up beside him, placing a gentle hand on the small of his back. Bucky looks at him, a soft smile gracing his lips. “I’m gonna wake her up so she can change into pajamas, I’ll be in in a minute.” Sam’s hand slips from Bucky’s back. He gives Bucky a reassuring smile before kneeling down beside Tess’ bed.   
Bucky ducks his head down as he smiles and turns to leave. 

By the time Sam comes to the bedroom, Bucky’s changed into well fitting sweatpants and a white t-shirt. Sam smiles as he shuts the door and turns to face Bucky.   
“Hey,” he says, his voice quiet and gentle. Bucky smiles from his spot on the end of the bed. He’d waited there for Sam; knew they needed to talk. Sam stays by the door. “Did you have fun today?”  
The corner of Bucky’s mouth quirks up. “Yeah.” He nods his head. “I did.” He looks up at Sam, his eyes softening. “Sam, we should talk.”


	6. Lamp Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Bucky talk about their kiss.

“Sam, we should talk.”  
Sam purses his lips inward. “Is this gonna be a good talk or a bad talk?”  
Bucky sighs quietly. “I’m not sure yet.”  
Sam crosses the room and sits beside Bucky on the end of the bed.   
“Last night,” Bucky starts, not sure what else to say. “I’m sorry for doing that.”  
Sam looks at him earnestly. “Then why did you?” he asks gently.   
Bucky chews the inside of his lip, his brows furrowing. He looks at Sam with uncertainty. “Because I never would have forgiven myself if I didn’t let you know how I felt.”   
Sam’s questioning frown curves into a cheerful smile. “So that wasn’t just a heat of the moment thing?”  
Bucky shakes his head and looks at the floor. “No.”  
Sam’s heart floods with relief. He places one of his hands atop Bucky’s. Bucky looks up, surprise behind his eyes. Sam hesitates for a second before leaning forward and kissing Bucky tentatively. He brings his other hand up and carefully cradles Bucky’s face, feeling the stubble beneath his fingers, letting it ground him.   
Bucky can feel his heart clench as Sam kisses him, gentle and caring.   
When they part, Bucky closes his eyes and presses his forehead to Sam’s. He was beyond happy. He couldn’t believe that Sam wanted this.   
“Sam,” he whispers. Sam kisses him again, just a quick peck, but god, it’s something, and it makes Bucky’s heart soar. “Sam,” he says again, voice choked with emotion. “You really want this? It’s not just guilt or obligation?”  
Sam pulls away just a little and holds Bucky’s face in both his hands. “Yes, Buck, I want this. I want this with you, have for awhile.”  
Bucky smiles, his eyes sparkling with it. “And here I am, just now pulling my head out of my ass.”  
Sam laughs, his head tossing back a little. “I was expecting a heartfelt confession, but this feels more like us.”  
Bucky’s eyes sting with glistening tears. “I can always do that, too.”  
Sam grins and pulls him in for another kiss. Bucky was sure he was in heaven. Guys like him didn’t get this lucky. Ever.   
“Hey,” Sam murmurs against Bucky’s lips. “Stop overthinking. Get outta your head.”   
Bucky closes his eyes and exhales. “Sorry.” He swallows. “I’m just kind of in disbelief.”  
Sam smiles sincerely. “Well, don’t be.” He pushes Bucky’s hair back and holds his hand at the base of Bucky’s head. They’re both silent for a minute.   
“Can we go to bed?” Bucky whispers. Sam smiles and nods his head. “Yeah.”  
Silently, they make their way to the head of the bed and climb under the covers. Sam wraps his arm around Bucky, pulling him against his chest. He presses a kiss to Bucky’s shoulder and buries his face in Bucky’s neck.   
Bucky places his hand over Sam’s and intertwines their fingers.   
“Goodnight, Sam.”  
Sam smiles into Bucky’s neck. “Goodnight, Buck.”

 

Sam wakes up, limbs tangled and trapped by Bucky. He tries to pull his legs free to no avail. Bucky groans in his sleep and hugs Sam closer, burying his face in Sam’s chest. Sam smiles down at him and presses a kiss to his forehead.   
“Creep,” Bucky mutters without opening his eyes.   
Sam chuckles. “Morning.”  
Bucky cracks his eyes open and looks up at Sam. “Hey.”   
“Hey.”  
Bucky’s cheeks turn pink as he looks up at Sam. He laughs and rests his head on Sam’s chest. “What are we gonna tell Sarah? I think she’s pretty invested.”  
Sam’s chest rumbles with laughter. “Yeah, I think so, too.” He looks down at Bucky. “But we don’t have to tell her anything if you don’t want.”  
Bucky thinks a minute. “No, I want to.”  
Sam smiles. “Yeah?”  
Bucky lifts his head and nods. “Yeah. She’s most of the reason I even had the courage to tell you how I felt. I think she’ll be really happy.”  
Sam can’t help but grin. “She’ll be ecstatic.”

 

Sam, Bucky, and Sarah sit at the dining room table, sipping their morning coffee. Tess and Jody were still sleeping.   
Bucky and Sam sit beside each other, while Sarah sits at the head of the table.   
“Hey,” Sam says, breaking the peaceful silence. Sarah looks up from her coffee.   
“What’s up?”  
Sam looks at Bucky hesitantly, who in turn, offers Sam a reassuring smile. “There’s something we need to talk about.”  
Sarah raises her brows. “That’s not ominous.”  
Sam chuckles, trying to ease his anxiety. He wasn’t sure why he was nervous, he knew Sarah would be overjoyed.   
Under the table, Bucky grips Sam’s hand, squeezing it lightly.   
“Oh my god.” Sarah rolls her eyes. “You guys are not subtle at all.”  
Sam quirks his eyebrows. “What?”  
Bucky smiles and looks down. He hadn’t known Sarah for long, but he knew she didn’t beat around the bush or take anyone’s bullshit.   
“You guys talked,” Sarah says simply. “As long as you didn’t screw on my nice sheets—”  
“Ahhh! Ok! Ok.” Sam holds his hands up to silence her. “How did you know?”  
“Because I have eyes,” she says dumbly. “Y’all are all heart eyes, it’s kinda gross, but also endearing.”  
Bucky laughs quietly at her no-nonsense attitude.   
“I’m glad you worked it out, I hated seeing both of you so oblivious.”  
“I mean, we weren’t tha-”  
“You were.”  
Bucky laughs again and bumps Sam’s shoulder.   
“I’m inclined to believe everything Sarah says, so I agree with her.”  
“You just don’t wanna get your ass kicked,” Sam says with a teasing smile. Bucky laughs, but doesn’t deny it.   
They talk quietly until Tess and Jody join them. 

Tess crawls onto Bucky’s lap, and Jody kisses Sarah on the cheek.   
“We heard you guys talking and didn’t wanna be left out,” Jody says as he takes a seat beside his mother.   
“Yeah? Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to eavesdrop?” Sam asks, reaching over to tickle Jody. He laughs and wriggles away.   
“We didn’t hear what you were saying, just your voices.”  
Sarah finishes her coffee and stands up to put her mug in the sink. “Any ideas for today?” she asks. “I’m not on call, so we can do something fun or just stay in if you guys want.”  
“Let’s make Christmas cookies!” Tess chimes in. “We can decorate them and give some to the neighbors.”  
No one was about to disagree with adorable, sweet Tess. 

They spend the majority of the morning and afternoon baking cookies. All five of them crammed into Sarah’s tiny kitchen. Bucky hadn’t cooked or baked anything for himself in...god, he can’t even remember. He liked this.   
He laughed when Sam got an overload of flour on his hands. Sam retaliated by wiping his hands on Bucky’s shirt. Bucky just laughed harder and playfully pushed Sam away.   
They listened to Christmas music, dancing and horribly singing along. Bucky couldn’t imagine a better way to spend the Holidays. 

When they were done, Sarah’s kitchen was covered from floor to ceiling with flour (they may have had a tiny flour fight), and all five of them were clothed in the white powder.   
Sarah pulls out the last tray of cinnamon wrap cookies and sets it on top of the stove.   
“You guys wanna bring some to our neighbors?” She asks as she turns off the stove.   
“Yeah!” Tess jumps up and down excitedly. “Ms. Johnson will love them!”  
Sarah laughs and turns to look at them. “You gonna go like that?”  
Tess furrows her eyebrows. “How’re they supposed to know how hard we worked?”  
Everyone laughs, and Sam ruffles her hair.   
“Let’s go then, Pillsbury doughboy.”  
Tess giggles and grabs for Bucky’s hand. “Still picking him over me?” Sam teases. Bucky grins at Sam.   
“I mean, she does know how to pick em.”  
The corner of Sam’s mouth turns up. “So do I.”  
Bucky’s cheeks flare pink and he looks down at Tess.   
“You ready to go?” 

 

Sam knocks on Ms. Johnson’s door and waits a few seconds. He looks down at the kids standing in front of him, Tess looking overjoyed.   
The door opens and Ms. Johnson appears in the doorway, her eyes wide. It must’ve been a sight. The four of them, covered head to toe in flour, grinning like idiots.   
“We baked cookies!” Tess says, holding up the plate of cookies.   
“Oh! Thank you, young lady!” Ms. Johnson smiles and hesitantly takes the plate. Tess smiles up at her. “Have a good day and a Merry Christmas!”  
Ms. Johnson genuinely smiles now. “You, too.”  
Tess waves goodbye and Ms. Johnson shuts her door. The second she does, they all burst out laughing. They must’ve looked insane, but none of them seemed to care. 

 

By nine the kids are worn out and Sam is putting them to bed. Sarah makes her and Bucky hot chocolate and Bucky sits on the couch as Sarah digs out family photo albums (per Bucky’s request).   
She returns with three large albums and sits beside Bucky.   
“Sam is going to kill me,” she says with a small smirk. Bucky laughs as he flips open one of the albums. The first picture is of a newborn Sam.   
Bucky smiles and flips to the next page. He sees pictures of Sam growing up, pictures of Sam holding a baby Sarah, pictures of Sam on the middle school baseball team.   
“Look at this one,” Sarah says, pointing to a photo from the album she’s holding. The picture is of Sam on his fifth birthday, cake smeared across his face, giving the camera the finger.   
“Oh my god.” Bucky laughs. “He started young, huh?”  
Sarah laughs and shakes her head. “Mom was so mad at him and I remember he started bawling his eyes out. Of course she forgave him. He could get away with anything if he pulled those stupid puppy eyes.”  
“I think they still work,” Bucky chuckles.   
“Oh! C’mon!”   
Sarah and Bucky look up as Sam comes into the room. “Don’t show him those!” Sam protests.   
“Too late,” Bucky grins. Sam frowns and sits beside Bucky on the couch, throwing one leg over Bucky’s.   
“You’re gonna run away scared after this.”  
Bucky turns and smiles at Sam. “Nah, I plan on sticking around.”  
Sam’s lips curl into a small smile. “You better after seeing these pictures.”  
Bucky sets his hand on Sam’s knee, rubbing circles through his jeans.   
Sarah shows Bucky more pictures, and Sam hides is face in embarrassment. 

An hour later, Sarah sighs and stands up.   
“I don’t know about you two, but I’m exhausted.”  
She kisses Sam on the cheek and says goodnight to Bucky before heading to her room.   
Bucky continues flipping through a photo album, resting it atop Sam’s legs.   
Sam’s lying across the expanse of the couch, his legs draped over Bucky’s lap and an arm thrown over his eyes.   
“We can go to bed,” Bucky says. “You look tired.”  
Sam just hums in response.   
“C’mon, let’s go.” Bucky taps Sam’s legs and Sam sits up with a groan. He takes Bucky’s outstretched hand and lets himself be lead to the bedroom.   
They move lazily, undressing and crawling under the comforter, facing each other in the darkened room. Bucky slings his arm over Sam’s torso, gently digging his fingers into Sam’s back. Sam’s eyes flitted shut as he moved closer to Bucky, relishing in his warmth. He rested his head on Bucky’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.   
“Hey, Buck?” he asks in a whisper.   
“Yeah?” Bucky replies. Sam lifts his head so he can look at Bucky. He hesitates for a second, knowing exactly what he wanted to say, but also knowing full well it was too early for that.   
So he settles on, “Thank you.”  
Bucky looks down at him quizzically. “What for?”  
Sam smiles softly. “For coming with me, for being there whenever I needed someone. You’re my best friend, Buck.”  
Bucky laughs quietly at that. “I hope that’s not all we are.”  
Sam kisses him. “Of course not. Just as long as we don’t stop being best friends just because we’re together.”  
“We won’t,” Bucky promises.   
“I want more of you, but I don’t want to lose what we already had.”  
Bucky reaches up to cup Sam’s cheek, thumbing over his stubble. “Sam Wilson,” he says gently and with such reverence. “you will never lose me.”  
That was a promise Bucky intended to keep. 

 

Christmas Eve was the next day. It came and went in a blur of Christmas movies, more festive baking, and Holiday music blasting from Sam’s phone.   
At the end of the day, everyone put their gifts under the Christmas tree in the living room.   
Bucky went to the guest bedroom and dug out the presents he’d bought. He’d gotten one for everyone.   
He comes out of the bedroom with an armful of gifts.   
“Bucky,” Sarah sighs when she sees him. “You didn’t have to bring gifts.”  
He just smiles and kneels down to set his gifts under the tree.   
“It was no trouble, really.”  
Sarah lets herself smile. “Are you sure?”  
Bucky nods his head. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”  
She stands and pats his shoulder. “I’m glad Sam brought you, and I’m really glad you worked things out.”  
Bucky smiles up at her. “Me, too.”  
She gives him another warm smile before heading off to bed.   
Sam comes in with his gifts and kneels beside Bucky. He sets his gifts down and places a hand on Bucky’s back. Bucky looks at him with soft eyes. The light from the Christmas lights in the tree illuminates Sam’s face in such a way that makes Bucky’s heart seize. He reaches up, holding Sam’s face in his hand, kissing him tenderly, grateful that he could even do that.   
Sam leans into him, sighing deeply into the kiss. Bucky’s hand drops from Sam’s face, reaching around Sam’s back to pull him closer.   
When their lips part, Bucky breathes out quietly, eyes still closed, and leans his forehead against Sam’s. He takes ahold of Sam’s hand, interlocking their fingers loosely. There’s a million things running through his mind, and a million more he wants to say to Sam; tell him how grateful he is for Sam’s presence in his life, how much he’s helped him, how much he means to Bucky.   
Sam could practically see the gears in Bucky’s head turning. “Hey.” He gently squeezes Bucky’s hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I know.” He kisses Bucky’s forehead. “It’s ok.”   
Bucky’s heart clenches as Sam holds his head against his chest. “It’s ok,” Sam repeats quietly. 

 

The next thing Bucky knew, he was being awoken by a body jumping on him. He groaned and opened his eyes to see Tess and Jody jumping on the bed.   
“It’s Christmas!” Jody exclaims as he jumps onto Sam.   
“Ugh,” Sam groans as he rolls over onto his back, cracking his eyes open. “What time is it?”  
“Seven!” Tess says excitedly as she continues to jump on the bed in between Sam and Bucky.   
Sam groans and pulls a pillow over his head. “Too early.”  
“Uncle Sam!” Tess exclaims as she drops onto the bed and tries pulling the pillow from Sam’s grips. “It’s Christmas.”  
Sam sighs and tosses the pillow at her. “We’ll be up in a few minutes, ok? Don’t open presents without us.”  
Tess’ face lights up and her and Jody jump off the bed. “We’re gonna go wake mommy up!”  
Before Sam can protest, they’re running out of the room. He laughs quietly and rolls onto his side to look at Bucky.   
“Hey,” he says, voice raspy. Bucky smiles warmly and kisses him.   
“Good morning.”  
Sam smiles and sighs as he sits up. “Tess will kill us if we don’t get out there ASAP.”  
Bucky chuckles and sits up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. “Then I suppose we should get moving.”  
They share one last kiss before heading out to join the others. 

When they get to the living room, Sarah and the kids are sitting on the couch, waiting for them.   
“Merry Christmas!” Tess exclaims, smiling up at them. Sam grins and scoops her up in his arms, kissing her cheek.   
“Merry Christmas, trouble maker.”  
Tess giggles and hugs her uncle. He laughs and sets her back down.   
“Can we open presents?” Jody asks, getting up and standing beside the tree. He and Tess were always the ones to pass out presents on Christmas.   
“In a minute,” Sarah answers.   
Sam and Bucky sit on the couch, Sam giving Sarah a kiss on the cheek. “Merry Christmas.”  
She smiles and pats his hand. “Merry Christmas.”  
“Can we do presents now?” Tess asks. Sarah rolls her eyes, though there’s a smile pulling at her lips.   
“Ok, let’s start.”  
Tess beams as she grabs the first present.   
“It’s for you, mommy!” She hands it to Sarah and waits for Sarah to open it.   
“Who’s it from?” Jody asks. He sits on the floor by the tree, looking up at his mother. Sarah turns the present to look at the tag. She smiles. “It’s from Sam.”  
Sam smiles and looks down at his hands.   
When Sarah opens it, she smiles wide, tears gathering in her eyes.   
It was an old photo in its original frame. The photo was of their parents on their wedding day.   
“Sam...where did you find this?”  
“It was in a box in my closet, I didn’t even realize I had it.”  
Sam smiles and hugs Sam. “Thank you.”

They continue opening gifts for the better part of the morning. Most of them were for Tess and Jody. Bucky had gotten Tess a sketchbook because he remembered Sam saying how much she loved to draw, and for Jody he got an Iron Man action figure. Apparently the guy was Jody’s hero. There had been something eerily familiar about the name Stark, but Bucky’s head was still so jumbled he couldn’t place it.   
For Sarah he got a first edition copy of Alice and Wonderland. Sam had told him that it was Sarah’s favorite book growing up.   
When she opened the gift, she cried and hugged Bucky, thanking him over and over.   
Finally, it was time for Sam to open his gift from Bucky. It was a stupid gift, and Bucky was growing more nervous by the second. As Sam tore the paper and took out the thick black covered book, Bucky looked at him expectantly. Sam opened the cover and smiled.   
“What’s this?” He looks up at Bucky.   
“I know how much you love cooking, so I wrote down some of the recipes I remember my mom and gram making when I was little, and I threw in some of my own. There’s still a few blank pages in the back, so you can fill them with your own recipes.” Bucky’s cheeks are hot as he speaks. Sam smiles softly and hugs Bucky. “Thank you. I love it.” He kisses Bucky on the cheek and returns to his seat.   
“Here’s one for Bucky,” Jody says as he grabs one of the last few presents. He stands up and hands it to Bucky. It’s a small gift bag decorated with little Santas and filled with festive tissue paper. He reads the tag, smiling when he sees its from Sam. There’s a red paper with snowflakes on it sticking out of the top of it. Bucky picks it up first and reads it.   
For the memories.   
He smiles and looks up at Sam, who nudges him gently.   
“Go on.”  
Bucky takes out the tissue paper and digs out the contents of the bag. There’s two items: a leather journal and a vintage Polaroid camera. Bucky opens the front cover of the journal and reads what’s written in Sam’s handwriting. 

Cherish the good moments and learn from the bad, because there will be a lot of both.   
-Sam 

Bucky smiles fondly. He looks up at Sam, not quite sure how to properly express his gratitude. Sam understands, and pulls him into a lingering hug, kissing the side of his head. Bucky’s grateful for how well Sam can read him, not even needing to say a word for Sam to know what he needs.


	7. Hello, Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse of Sam and Bucky’s life nine months after they get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: this chapter contains brief mentions of alcoholism

**Nine Months Later**

**September 2010**

There are Polaroid pictures scattered around the room. On the dresser, at the foot of the bed, stuck to the mirror, on the windowsill. Some are yellowed from the sunlight, left there for months, but certainly not forgotten. Some have writing at the bottom of them. 

_ ‘Sam’s being a dumbass this morning’  _ is written under a photo of Sam, shirtless in bed, covering his face with a pillow to avoid his picture being taken. 

_ ‘Bucky finally learned what a shower is’  _ was written under a photo of Bucky fresh out of the shower, a white towel wrapped around his waist, smiling at the camera. 

A heart is drawn on a photo of the two kissing, having just woken up beside each other after the first official night Bucky had been moved in to Sam’s place. 

These are just a few of the blissful moments they shared together. 

Bucky smiles as he picks up a photo of Sam standing by the window in the early morning. His back was to Bucky, and the sun was hitting him just right, bathing him in a golden, angelic glow. 

Bucky looks up when he hears the door open. Sam walks in, wearing just a pair of low hanging sweatpants, water droplets on his chest from his recent shower. He walks to Bucky, wrapping his arms around him from behind. Bucky smiles and leans against him, closing his eyes as Sam presses his lips to Bucky’s neck. 

“Morning,” Sam says lowly, gently nipping at Bucky’s skin. Bucky inhales deeply, breathing in the scent of Sam’s body wash. He looks down at the photo in his hands. He decided it was his favorite picture of Sam. 

“What’s that?” Sam asks, catching a glimpse of the photo over Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky holds it up higher. 

“It’s you.”

Sam hums. “I look damn good.”

Bucky laughs quietly. “Yeah, you do.”

Sam kisses his jaw. “You got any dirty photos of me?” he murmurs in Bucky’s ear. 

“Hundreds,” Bucky answers with a teasing smile. Sam chuckles and gets a hand under the front of Bucky’s shirt, splaying it across Bucky’s torso, letting the soft warmth seep into him. Bucky was always warm, Sam had noticed. 

“Yeah?” Sam asks. “How come I’ve never seen them?”

“I keep them in a safe and only look at them when you’re away.”

Sam huffs out a breathy laugh. “You’re disgusting.” Though he says it so lovingly that Bucky would never believe it. Bucky sets the photo down on the dresser and turns in Sam’s arms, kissing him sweetly. 

“I love you,” he tells Sam when they part. Sam smiles, because how goddamn amazing is that?

He kisses Bucky back. “I love you, too, Buck.” And though they’d both heard that hundreds of times, it was still a little hard to believe they’d made it this far. They’d pushed through the hard times, and it was starting to pay off.

Bucky had been promoted to manager at the garage he worked at, Sam was thriving as a counselor, and their relationship was stronger than ever. 

It was everything they’d both dreamed of. 

 

**Two weeks later**

“Babe?” Sam asks as he shuts the door behind him. He’s holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand. A gift for Bucky. He’d noticed Bucky seemed a little stressed the past few days, so he wanted to do something nice for him. 

When Bucky doesn’t answer, Sam sets his keys down in the bowl on the kitchen counter. 

“Buck?” he calls. Again no answer came. That was odd. Sam knew Bucky had picked up extra hours at the garage, but he should’ve been home by now. 

He calls for Bucky once more before heading to the bedroom. He doesn’t find Bucky, instead he finds a lone Polaroid picture in the center of their bed. Sam sets the flowers down and picks up the photo. It’s that picture of Sam at the window. Bucky’s favorite picture. 

Sam looks at it quizzically. He flips it over to find something written on the back in Bucky’s handwriting. 

 

_ ‘Sam, I’m so sorry. This is what’s best for both of us. Goodbye.’ _

 

Sam’s throat closes. His hands tremble as tears well in his eyes. He drops the photo to the floor. He can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t move. 

And that’s the last he hears from Bucky. 

 

**December 2010**

Sam goes to Harlem for Christmas. He tells Sarah that he and Bucky split mutually, too embarrassed to tell her Bucky left without even saying a proper goodbye. Sarah knew there was more to the story, but she could see how broken he was, so she didn’t push. 

The kids were heartbroken about it, but Sarah told them not to talk about Bucky so they wouldn’t upset Sam. 

He acted fine and happy, but he was empty without Bucky. 

 

**July 2011**

Sam picks up a copy of the morning news one rainy morning in July. He reads a story about Captain America coming out of the ice after nearly 70 years. 

He didn’t think too much about it. It seemed all he did these days was think about Bucky. That and drink. 

  
  


**September 2011**

Today was the anniversary of Bucky leaving. Sam stayed in all day and drank himself into unconsciousness, too stubborn to let himself get help. 

  
  


**March 2012**

Sam looks at the circular chip between his two fingers. It read two months sober. It should’ve been a great achievement, but he missed alcohol. He missed the way it made him forget. 

Sarah had found out how low he had gotten after Bucky, and she’d flown to D.C. for a week. She pulled him out of the fire, (again) and brought him to an A.A. meeting to get sober. 

He was grateful to have someone like her in his life. He didn’t want to think of where he’d be if she hadn’t come to his aid. 

  
  


**May 2012**

Tvs all across America were streaming live footage of the Battle of New York. The Avengers fought the Chitauri and Loki, eventually saving New York when Tony Stark flew a missile into a portal in the sky. 

Sam watched from the living room of his new house. He’d moved in last month, needing to get away from the memories of his last place. His and Bucky’s place. 

  
  


**April 2014**

Sam laced up his shoes and headed for the door, jogging down the street, the thump of his sneakers hitting the pavement filling his ears. 

It’s been nearly four years since Bucky left. Sam’s healed a lot since then. In the beginning it had been rough. He couldn’t remember a time he’d been so low. With the drinking and self destructive behavior. But he’d got help. He went to meetings, got sober, and was still working through his problems with a counselor. He still thought about Bucky almost daily, but the pain had dialed back to a dull ache. 

 

“On your left.” 

Sam rolls his eyes as the man runs past him. 

“On your left.” 

“Uh huh, on my left. Got it.” 

The man passes him again, coming up behind him just minutes later. 

“Don’t say it! Don’t you say it!”

“On your left!”

“Come on!” Sam huffs and runs faster to catch up, giving up within a few seconds. He stops and sits down beside a tree. The man walks over to him, grinning. 

“Need a medic?”

Sam laughs. 

That’s the morning he meets Captain America. 

 

The next time Sam sees Steve is at the V.A. Sam tells him about Riley, but not about Bucky, that was a whole different can of worms. He asks Steve what makes him happy, and Steve replies with, “I don’t know.”

Sam sincerely hopes Steve finds what makes him happy. 

  
  


Sam didn’t think he’d see Steve again. But after returning from a morning run he hears a knock on the door, opening it to find Steve and Natasha Romanoff looking dirty and beaten down. 

“Hey, man.”

“I’m sorry about this. We need a place to lay low,” Steve says. 

“Everyone we know is trying to kill us,” Natasha adds grimly. Sam pauses and looks at them for a second. 

“Not everyone.” 

 

When he’d agreed to help them, he wasn’t expecting an armed assassin to land on his car and tear the steering wheel out. There was something terrifyingly familiar about the killer, but Sam was a little too preoccupied to worry about that. 

 

Sam fends off HYDRA agents, and from afar, he can see Steve fighting The Winter Soldier. Steve flips him over, knocking the mask from his face. Sam can’t quite see him from the angle he’s at, but he can see Steve’s in danger. He flies down, knocking the Soldier over with his feet and stumbling onto the ground. As he turns, he can finally see the man’s face, and it makes his blood turn cold. 

Sam’s ears ring with the loud pumping of his heart. The Soldier looks at Steve deadpan before disappearing in an explosion caused by Natasha shooting the grenade launcher at him. 

Sam’s heart shatters. 

  
  


After the trio escapes HYDRAs clutches, they gather information and devise a plan. 

Steve stands on a bridge, looking distant. Sam joins him, mind still jumbled from the days events. Everything had happened so fast, but one thing was certain. Bucky Barnes was The Winter Soldier.  _ His  _ Bucky was The Winter Soldier. 

“He’s gonna be there, you know,” Sam says as he stands beside Steve. 

“I know.”

Sam rests his arms on the railing, looking out over the water. He purses his lips. 

“You knew him back in the 40s?”

Steve nods. “Yeah. He was my best friend.”

Sam nods his head, keeping his eyes trained on the water. “And he was a good guy?”

“The best.”

Sam covers his face with his hands, heaving a heavy sigh. 

“What’s the problem, Sam?”

Sam swallows as tears prick at his eyes. “I can’t-”

He’d worked so hard to get over Bucky, and now he’s supposed to deal with this?

“Sam…” Steve places a comforting hand on his back. 

“I knew him, too,” Sam chokes out. Steve draws back in surprise. 

“What?”

Sam refuses to look at him. “In 2009 he came into one of my V. A. support groups. We became friends, we trusted each other...loved each other.”

Steve’s eyebrows raise slightly. He didn’t seem too startled by that fact, just surprised.

“You…? You and Bucky?”

Sam closes his eyes and nods. “Yeah.”

“Shit, Sam.”

Sam breathes out slowly. “We lived together, we were happy, even talking about having kids. Then one day he disappeared.” Sam scoffs lightly. “I guess it all makes sense now. He must’ve escaped HYDRA somehow, but I guess they caught up to him.”

Steve places a hand on Sam’s shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I can’t imagine—”

Sam stops him. “This isn’t about me.” He finally looks up at Steve. “But if there’s any part of Bucky left in there, I need you to get him out.” His eyes are heavy with unshed tears. “I don’t even want to think about what he’s been through. You need to save him.”

Steve squeezes Sam’s shoulder. 

“I’ll do my best, Sam.”

 

And Steve did do his best, but in the end, Bucky escaped out into the world with no trace. 

Steve could barely face Sam. He’d failed them both. But Sam just hugged him tightly and promised they’d find him. 


	8. City of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam goes looking for Bucky.

**June 2015**

It’s after the whole mess with Sokovia that Sam gets his first lead on Bucky. They’d been searching nonstop for over a year to no avail. 

So when he gets a lead, he jumps at it. Steve’s away in New York, taking care of the politics and aftermath of Ultron. And yeah, maybe Sam’s being a little selfish, but he wants to go alone. 

 

He scales the shady motel for any signs of danger, moving forward when he deems it safe. 

He’d gotten Bucky’s room number after describing Bucky to the front desk clerk. The guy had given Sam the name ‘Ben Gervais’ along with a room number. 

Sam grips the doorknob, pushing the door open wearily. He steps inside, closing the door behind him, sighing as the room seemed empty. 

The covers on the bed were drawn back, meaning the cleaning crew hadn’t gotten around to making up the room yet. 

Sam ventures further inside. He finds a duffle bag under the bed, and is reaching for it when he hears the door open. He stands to see Bucky in the doorway, eyes hooded and boring into Sam. 

“How’d you find me?”

Sam swallows. “I got resources.”

Bucky flexes his metal hand. “Why are you here? I don’t want to fight.”

“I don’t either,” Sam tells him carefully. “I just wanna talk.”

Bucky remains guarded. 

“Do you remember me?” Sam asks. Bucky looks down for a brief second. 

“I-I don’t know.”

Sam’s shoulders drop. “You remember Steve?”

Bucky’s jaw clenches. “A little.”

“Will you come back with me?”

“They’ll just lock me up.”

“No,” Sam says quickly. “I promise I won’t let them.”

Bucky’s eyes flicker with something like fear. 

“You can’t promise that.”

Hot tears sting Sam’s eyes. “Steve and I want to help you. Please let us.”

“You can’t help me, Sam.”

Sam’s head snaps up. His eyes grow softer. “You know my name?”

Bucky’s hand balls into a fist. “Yeah.” He looks down at the floor momentarily. “I remember a little, but it’s hard to discern what memories go where.”

“I can help you,” Sam says gently. “I can help you remember.”

“You loved me?” Bucky asks, and Sam has to fight to hold back his tears. 

“Yeah.”

“Then do the smart thing and stay away.”

Sam sighs. “You know I can’t do that.”

“I won’t go with you.”

“And I won’t force you.”

“Then there’s no reason for you to stay.”

Sam’s chest tightens. “Buck… please let me help you. We don’t even have to go back, we can just stay here.”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Sam, it’s not safe for you to be here.”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t want you here.” 

“Steve needs you.”

“He has you.”

“It’s not the same.”

Bucky’s jaw clenches. “It’s gonna have to be.”

 

**May 2016**

It takes almost another damn year to even get a new lead on Bucky, and that’s only because he’s being accused of a terrorist attack. 

Steve tracks him down and somehow they end up in an old abandoned warehouse with an unconscious Bucky, his metal arm secured in a vice. 

He slowly comes to. He and Steve talk about the man who’d infiltrated SHIELD to turn Bucky back into the Winter Soldier. 

Sam watches with his arms folded across his chest. Bucky glances up at him every once in awhile. He remembers their meeting in the shoddy motel room. How he’d sent Sam away stubbornly. How heartbroken Sam had looked. 

  
  


The next time they’re alone is in a cramped VW bug. Bucky sits in the backseat behind Sam. 

“Can you move your seat up?” Bucky asks. 

“No,” Sam replies coldly. 

Bucky’s eyes flicker down. “I’m sorry.”

“For which part?” Sam doesn’t look back at him. 

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“We can’t do this right now.”

Bucky worries the inside of his lip. “I remembered more.”

Sam swallows the lump in his throat. “Yeah?”

“I remember pictures of us. Hundreds of them.”

“Yeah, you loved that stupid camera.”

Bucky’s face falls. “You gave it to me.”

Sam’s jaw tightens. “I know.” 

 

Sam groans as he crashes down onto the hard floor. Bucky had cushioned some of the fall, but he got the worst of it. 

The spider kid webs them to the floor and then proceeds to blabber on about impressing Mr. Stark. 

Sam sicks Redwing on him to get rid of the small annoyance. 

“You couldn’t have done that earlier?” Bucky asks. 

“I hate you,” Sam groans. And for some reason, that comment sticks in Bucky’s head, his chest tightening just the slightest with it. 

 

Sam’s not there when Bucky goes under. He doesn’t think Bucky would want him there, and this was more about Steve than Sam anyways. 

But when Steve gets back to the ship, he looks a little more peaceful. Bucky was finally getting help. 

“Hey,” Steve says as he approaches Sam. “You doin ok?”

Sam looks at him and nods. 

“Don’t worry about me. How’re you?”

Steve shrugs. “Shuri’s getting HYDRAs programming out of his head. It’ll take awhile, but he’ll finally be himself again.”

“Good.” Sam looks forward through the front window of the ship and up at the palace. For once in years, he was hopeful that Bucky would be ok.

  
  


A few months later, Steve goes to visit Bucky in Wakanda for the first time. Sam doesn’t go. He convinces himself and everyone else that it’s because Steve needs this more than him.

But truth is, he was terrified to see Bucky again. It’d been over six years now since Bucky had left. Maybe it was better not to open an old wound. 

  
  


Sam sits cross legged on the lumpy motel bed, watching a shitty infomercial. Natasha sat on the bed opposite him. She looks at him, assessing him carefully. 

“You ok?” she asks after a minute. Sam’s eyes don’t leave the tv. 

“Fine.”

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

Sam’s jaw clenches slightly. “No.”

Natasha raises her brows. “You know I’m a master at detecting lies.”

Sam’s eyes flicker to the bed. “I just want him to get better.”

“You think you’ll pick up where you left off?”

Sam looks up at her. “There’s no way we can go back to that now.”

Natasha shrugs. “Why not?”

“Because—” Sam sighs and shakes his head. “It’s been six years. We’re both undoubtedly different now.”

“So what. That doesn’t mean you’re not compatible anymore.”

“It’s not that easy.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at Sam. “Let me guess: when he left you got into some bad shit. Drinking, maybe gambling, deep, all consuming depression.”

Sam laughs bitterly. “Sounds about right.”

“He left to protect you from HYDRA.”

“That doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

Natasha’s quiet for a minute. “Are you gonna go see him?”

Sam pulls at a loose thread on the bed sheet. “He’s made it clear he doesn’t want me around. And that’s ok, I’ve moved on.”

“That was before his head was clear,” Natasha argues. “How do you know he doesn’t want to see you?” 

Sam doesn’t answer. Because he doesn’t know. He’s not sure if he’s ready to know the answer or not. 

 

Steve comes back a few days later, says Bucky is doing good. Sam asks if Bucky had asked about him, and Steve gives him a sympathetic look and a shake of the head. 

“Sorry, Sam.” 

Sam masked his disappointment with a smile. 

 

Steve went to visit Bucky often, always reporting on how well he was doing. But he never said anything of Bucky mentioning Sam. 

Natasha nagged Sam all the time to go see him, and finally Sam gave in. 

One day, as Steve was getting ready to leave, he approached him nervously. 

“Hey.”

Steve looks up from tying his boots. “Hey, Sam.”

Sam rubs the back of his neck. “Do you think...do you think I could go with you this time?”

Steve smiles softly. “Of course.”

“Do you think Bucky will see me?”

Steve stands and places a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “He’ll be ecstatic.”

 

Bucky was not. 

Sam didn’t even get to see him. He approached Shuri in the lab with a kind smile. 

“Hey, I’m here to see Bucky.”

Shuri looks at him like he’s a lost puppy. 

“I’m sorry, Sergeant Barnes has asked me not to let you see him.”

Sam’s heart drops to the floor. His throat closes and he can’t speak. 

“I’ll tell him you stopped by,” Shuri says kindly. Sam plasters on a tight smile. “Thank you.”

 

Weeks go by, and Steve continues to visit Bucky. Sam doesn’t try again. He stays on the ship or in a motel with Natasha. She can see how heartbroken his is over Bucky, but she doesn’t push him again, already guilty about making him go the in the first place. 

 

Three months after Sam had tried to visit Bucky, he’s in Wakanda again. Not by choice. Apparently something had come up that Steve needed to take care of, and he didn’t have time to drop Sam and Nat off. 

So, the next thing Sam knew, he was being escorted to a room in the palace while Steve took care of whatever business he needed to tend to. Shuri walks with him after insisting on escorting him personally. She doesn’t say anything until they’re at a bedroom door. 

“Goodnight, Mr. Wilson,” she says with a small, coy smile. Sam looks at her quizzically and reaches for the door. 

“Thanks.” He smiles at her. “Goodnight.”

She gives a polite nod before turning and walking back down the hallway. Sam shakes his head and pushes the door open. 

He stops cold in the doorway, heart clenching. Bucky was sat on a large bed in the room, looking up at Sam with soft eyes. 

“Hey, Sam.”

Sam keeps his eyes on Bucky as he closes the door. He doesn’t move or try to advance towards Bucky. 

“You wouldn’t see me,” he says, surprised the words don’t get caught in his throat. “Why are you here now?”

Bucky smiles sadly. “I didn’t want you to see me till I was better.”

“I would’ve helped you.”

Bucky’s eyes go soft with fondness. “I know. But that wasn’t on you.”

“So, you got all that stuff out of your head?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah. Shuri’s a genius. She helped me sort my memories into the right places. There’s still some blank spots, but she says I’ll remember with time.”

Sam’s palms are sweaty. “So you...you remember us?”

“I do.”

Sam’s brows furrow as hot tears well behind his eyes. “You know you don’t owe me anything.”

Bucky stands and walks to Sam, stopping when their toes are almost touching. He reaches up, tenderly cradling Sam’s face. “I know.” He searches Sam’s eyes for a moment. Then his lips are on Sam’s, and oh, it’s like the first time all over again. 

Sam melts into him, letting out nearly seven years of grief and loss and anger. He grips the front of Bucky’s shirt tightly as tears spill down his cheeks. He breathes for what seems like the first time in years. 

“Bucky…” he whispers when their lips part. Bucky doesn’t say anything, just reaches up and wipes away Sam’s tears. 

Sam looks at Bucky, soul heavy with seven lost years. “Are you sure about this, Buck?”

“For the first time in years I’m able to make my own choices. This is what I want, Sam. If you’ll give me another chance—”

It’s not even a question in Sam’s head. He nods quickly and captures Bucky’s lips in an urgent kiss. 

“Was there ever a doubt?”

Bucky laughs, eyes wet with tears. “Maybe a few.”

Sam cups Bucky’s face in either of his hands, leaning up to press a firm kiss to Bucky’s forehead. “No more, ok?”

Bucky nods and lets himself be pulled to Sam’s chest. He smiles to himself. Finally, everything was right again. 

 

Bucky stays the night in Sam’s room. They talk and make love and whisper promises into the dark till the morning sun shines in through the drawn curtains. 

Bucky is curled into Sam’s chest, pressing soft kisses to his rib cage. Sam threads his fingers through Bucky’s hair. His soul felt at rest at last. Seven goddamn years he’d been waiting for this, and it was everything to be able to touch Bucky again, kiss him, love him. 

The sun bathes them in a warm glow as it rises above the city. 

Bucky effortlessly lifts himself up to sit on Sam’s thighs. He lowers himself down and kisses Sam, gently and tenderly. They weren’t in a hurry now, they had all the time in the world. 

As he pulls away, he gazes down at Sam, his eyes ever soft. 

Sam was naked beneath the sheets, and he was the most gorgeous thing Bucky had ever seen in his hundred years. He could spend a million years looking at Sam and never get tired. 

Sam’s hands rest on Bucky’s hips, gripping gently, but just tight enough to ground Bucky. His thumbs move in small circles over Bucky’s skin.  

“Can’t believe the world was so kind as to bring you back to me,” Sam says with wonder. Bucky smiles down at Sam, beautiful in all his angelic glory. “You’re one lucky son of a bitch,” Bucky says with a toothy grin. Sam laughs, his head pushing back against the pillows. 

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

Bucky leans down and kisses Sam again. When he pulls back, he searches Sam’s eyes with uncertainty for a moment. “Hey, I love you, you know.”

Sam’s heart just about soars from his chest to the clouds. He looks up at Bucky with pure adoration. “I love you, too.”

Bucky’s shoulders relax and his stomach feels less tight than before. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

Sam’s hands move up Bucky’s side soothingly. “I’ll never give up on you, Buck.”

Bucky smiles softly. “That’s a really long commitment.” He says it teasingly, but his tone is fond. 

“Yeah, I like a good challenge.”

Bucky kisses him then, long and sweet, pouring his entire soul into it. 

  
  


Sam slips a shirt over his head, looking back at Bucky who was sitting against the headboard. He puts one knee on the bed and kisses Bucky. 

“Steve messaged me, we’re leaving in an hour.”

“When will you come visit again?” Bucky asks. Sam draws back, looking at Bucky with furrowed brows. 

“You’re not coming with us?”

Bucky sits up straighter. “No. I’m done with that life, Sam.”

“You’re better now.”

“Not all the way. There’s still things I need to do, sins I need to atone for.”

“What? Bucky, you’re not some crazy monster—”

“Is that what you thought of me before?” 

Sam stares down at him, speechless for a moment. “That’s not what I meant.”

Bucky’s jaw clenches. “I’m not a murderer anymore. If I go with you guys that’s where I’ll end up. That’s how it always ends.”

“It doesn’t have to,” Sam argues. 

“Please, Sam,” Bucky begs. “This is my choice. Let me make it on my own.”

“Seven years, Buck,” Sam scoffs. “And now that we have that all back you’re just gonna sit here on your ass?”

“You can’t promise me that if I go with you, no one will end up dead. I can’t be the reason for that again.”

“Someone always ends up dead, no matter the circumstances. You’ve been to war, Buck, you know this.”

“I’m not at war now, and no one else should have to die at my hand.”

Sam huffs angrily. “Steve needs you.”

“I don’t think Steve’s the one that needs me.”

Sam stares at him. “Don’t turn this around on me.”

“Stop being so selfish. You survived fine without me around 24/7 before, can’t you do it now?”

“I’m being selfish?” Sam scoffs. “What happens when the world needs you to fight? You just gonna sit up here and ignore it?”

“I’m not ignoring anything, Sam. I’m just done.”

“Really?”

Bucky stands his ground, jaw clenching. “Yeah.”

Sam’s shoulders fall. He picks up his jacket and looks at Bucky once more. 

“I’m tired, Buck. I’ve been on the run for almost a year.” He sighs and looks down. “Maybe what we had before isn’t gonna work now. We want different things now. 

Bucky looks at him with tearful eyes. Sam swallows his guilt. “I’m sorry.” 


	9. What Do We Do Now That They’re Gone?

They don’t see each other for a year. Sam thinks about going back all the time. He thinks about apologizing to Bucky, saying anything Bucky wants to hear to win him back. But he knows life doesn’t work that way. He supposes they just weren’t meant to be. 

 

Sam steps off the Quinjet, watching as Steve and Bucky hug. He hangs back awkwardly, not sure where they stood after a year. 

Bucky pulls back from Steve and looks over his shoulder at Sam. His eyebrows draw together. 

Sam’s eyes fall to the ground. 

Steve and T’challa walk away to strategize, and everyone else but Sam and Bucky follow them. 

Neither of them move towards the other. 

“I thought you were done.” Sam speaks first. 

“The world needed me to fight.” 

Sam looks up at Bucky with apprehension.

“Is it terrible that I don’t know what to say to you?”

Bucky’s mouth turns up slightly. “It’s been a year, after all.”

Sam laughs awkwardly. “Yeah, I guess it has been.” The realization is sad to both of them. Sam looks up, eyes heavy. “Friends?”

Bucky smiles and nods. “Yeah.” 

  
  


“Friends, huh?” Bucky asks as a laugh is caught in his throat. 

“We never set boundaries,” Sam says with a coy smirk. He grunts as he pushes against Bucky, digging his fingers into Bucky’s hip. 

Bucky throws his head back into the pillow, screwing his eyes shut as a moan slips past his lips. He grips at Sam’s arms, getting his hands anywhere he can. 

This was stupid. This was so damn stupid. They’d agreed to be friends just hours ago, and now they were fucking in a spare bedroom in the palace while the others strategized. 

But it was just sex, a release they both needed after so long. 

But being here, with Bucky, well, he wasn’t sure he could ever just be friends with him. There would always be that little nagging voice in his head telling Sam they should be more, that they could be more if they just tried. 

  
  


Something happens. Sam can feel it in the air. Something had changed. 

His comms broke in and out, his teammates sounded frantic. 

“Cap, what’s happening?” Sam asks. Steve doesn’t answer. “Steve?” Sam’s stomach begins to twist as he realizes what’s happened. “Steve? Are you there?”

“I’m here.” Steve’s voice was grim, hopeless. “Where’s Bucky?” Sam asks. Steve doesn’t answer, and Sam feels as if he might throw up. “No...please.” His chest tightens and his throat constricts. “Steve, please.” Before he can even mourn Bucky, he himself turns to dust. 

  
  


It seems like just minutes till they see each other again, but to the outside world, to the ones who’d survived, it’s been five years. 

They fight together in the final battle against Thanos. They win, but at too high a cost. 

 

Bucky stands with his hands in his jacket pocket. Wanda is on his left, Sam on his right. 

Sam gives him a gentle, comforting pat on the back. Bucky stiffens a little at the touch. 

He felt out of place here. A funeral was supposed to be a time for people to grieve their dead loved one. Tony wasn’t Bucky’s friend. They’d fought. He’d killed Tony’s parents, caused a rift between him and Steve. 

But he was here to pay his respects to the man who killed Thanos, the man who’d saved them all. 

  
  


Bucky knew Steve wasn’t coming back. He could see it in Steve’s eyes, the way he hugged Bucky, like it might be the last time. 

Bucky stays strong, he knows he has to for Sam. 

When Sam realizes he’s not back on time, he begins to panic, yelling at Bruce to get Steve back. 

Bucky’s heart breaks a little. Sam didn’t know. He couldn’t see the look in Steve’s eyes, the look that said he was about to do something bold and stupid. Oh...Sam. 

  
  


Sam holds the shield firmly in his hand. He turns to look at Bucky, who was standing a few feet away, a content smile on his lips. 

“Bucky…” Sam takes a step forward, looking down at the shield. He takes another step and looks up at Bucky. “I don’t think I deserve this.”

The corner of Bucky’s mouth turns up. 

“You do,” he says. “It was always supposed to be you, Sam.”

“Don’t you think you should take it?”

Bucky shakes his head. He takes a step forward, placing his hand on Sam’s arm. “This is you, Sam. He gave it to you for a reason.”

“What if I can’t do it?” 

Bucky smiles softly and lifts his hand to cradle Sam’s face. “You can,” he says gently. “You’re Sam Wilson. You’re Captain America.”

“Buck...I don’t know. He was your best friend.”

“Yours, too,” Bucky reminds him. “He wants this for you. He knows you can do it.”

Sam closes his eyes as tears gather. “Maybe…” he inhales and exhales slowly. “Maybe I don’t have to carry the mantle alone.”

Bucky smiles and reaches down, gripping the edge of the shield. He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Sam’s. “Maybe you don’t.”

Sam kisses Bucky then. Soft and slow, hesitant. He opens his eyes, giving Bucky a look of uncertainty. Bucky just smiles, his eyes sparkling with un-spilt tears. “It’s ok,” he promises before he dips his head down and presses a loving kiss to Sam’s lips. “It’s ok,” he repeats when he pulls away, resting his forehead back on Sam’s. “We’re ok.”

A tear slips down Sam’s cheek, he makes no attempt to wipe it away. 

“Do you want a minute with him?” Sam asks quietly. Bucky’s eyes go to Steve, sitting on the bench a few yards away. His heart felt heavy in his chest as he watched Steve stare out at the lake. 

“Yeah.” His voice is raspy with emotion. “Yeah, I’ll meet you back up there.”

Sam nods and they part. 

Bucky walks to the bench and sits down beside Steve. He looks back and sees Sam walking back up to the house. 

“Bucky,” Steve says. Bucky turns to Steve, heart and eyes heavy. “Take care of him.”

Bucky smiles just the slightest. “I will.”

“He’ll be good to you,” Steve tells him. “He’ll take care of you, too.”

Bucky nods and looks down at his hands. “I know he will.” He looks back at Steve as tears gather in his eyes. “I’m gonna miss you.”

Steve looks up at Bucky. He looked peaceful, like he’d had a happy life. “I’m gonna miss you, too, Buck.”

Bucky takes ahold of Steve’s frail hand. “Were you happy?” 

Steve smiles. “Yes.”

Bucky blinks away hot tears. “Then I think I can let you go.”

“Just don’t forget me.” Steve pats Bucky’s hand, and Bucky smiles tearfully. 

“I could never forget you.” 

  
  


Bucky makes his way up to the porch where Sam is waiting for him, sitting on the edge, the shield by his side. Bucky sits on his opposite side. 

Sam places his hand on the small of Bucky’s back. “You ok?” he asks quietly. Bucky wipes his eyes and nods. 

“He got his happy end.”

“Doesn’t mean you gotta be ok with it.”

“I’m not,” Bucky admits. 

Sam smiles in understanding and holds Bucky close. 

“I know it’s selfish, and I’m so happy he got to be with the love of his life, but it just seems like...abandonment.”

“It’s not selfish,” Sam assures him. “You thought he’d be with you forever.”

Bucky shakes his head and sighs quietly. “He was happy, and I think I can move on knowing that.”

Sam rubs Bucky’s back gently. 

“You think everyone gets a happy ending?”

“No,” Bucky answers, eyes cast out towards the lake. “I mean, look at Tony and Natasha. Look what they got after giving the world everything.” Bucky looks down at his hands. “This life we live, I don’t think happy endings are common.”

Sam’s heart clenches. “Tony got five years with Pepper and Morgan.”

Bucky looks up at Sam, his eyes soulful. “Would five years be enough for you?”

Sam frowns and shakes his head. “No.”

Bucky turns back so he’s not looking at Sam. “Do you ever think about our life before all this?” he asks. 

“All the damn time.”

Bucky looks up, his mouth turned down into a serious frown. “Do you still want the things we had? The things we were talking about having?”

Sam shrugs, his chest heaving with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s that simple anymore.”

“Yeah,” Bucky agrees. “Things are five years more complicated now.”

Sam laughs humorlessly. “Yeah.”

Bucky reaches for Sam’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Do you remember any of it?” he asks quietly, not quite meeting Sam’s eyes, but Sam knows exactly what he’s talking about. 

“A little. Pieces, fragments.” He looks at Bucky. “You?”

Bucky looked distant, as if he was remembering something that wasn’t even quite there. 

“Yeah. I do.”

 

Bucky wasn’t quite sure what had happened during the snap or where the dead went, but one thing was certain: Sam had been there with him. They had no body and no eyes and they could not touch each other, but their souls were intertwined and twisted in the most disgusting and beautiful display. They spent seconds and lifetimes together. They knew every intimate detail about the other, yet it all seemed to fade when they were brought back. Every molecule of their being was melded with the other. Galaxies formed from their atoms. Dust and blood and bones scattered through the universe, creating and disassembling them over and over for eternity. They were bonded and broken, exploding stars in a black void. 

And now, being back, having a body and fingers he could feel with and eyes he could see with, Bucky felt...dull. He felt empty, like what he’d experienced was otherworldly. Maybe it was. Whatever it was, Bucky only felt it when he and Sam touched, as if what they’d been through had somehow connected them. 

Yeah, Bucky wasn’t sure what had happened after the snap, but one thing was certain: Sam had been there with him. That seemed to be a common theme with Sam. 

 

“I remember knowing you,” Bucky says, now looking over at Sam. “Knowing you like I’d never known you before. I could feel everything so intensely, and you were there the whole time. I could feel you, in my blood and bones, and every fiber.”

Sam looks at him expectantly. “Yeah…” he laughs to lighten to mood a little. “It was pretty intense.”

Bucky smiles, squeezing Sam’s hand lightly.

“Sam, what do we do now? I always followed Steve, and now that he’s not here, I’m not sure I know where to go.”

“I think he wants us to stay together. Carry on the legacy.”

“Yeah.” Bucky nods his head. “He does.”

Sam smiles awkwardly. “And what about us?”

Bucky doesn’t answer for a minute. He chews the inside of his lip. 

“I don’t think we really have a choice but to stick together now.”

Sam’s heart sinks. “You know you don’t have to. If you wanna go live a normal life, I wouldn’t blame you.”

Bucky looks up, smiling softly at Sam. “Normal? Sounds kinda boring to me.”

“But it’s safe.”

“But it’s not with you.”

Sam’s eyebrows furrow as he looks at Bucky with hesitation. “You’re not obligated to me in any way, Buck.”

“I feel like we just had this conversation.”

“Things are different now.”

Bucky nods his head. “I know they are.” He looks down at their intertwined hands. “It feels like whatever happens, we’re always brought back together, maybe we should stop trying to fight it and figure it out. I know it’s not easy, and things are so complicated, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

Sam smiles as tears well in his eyes. 

“Things aren’t gonna get easier.”

“Yeah, I like a good challenge,” Bucky says, a twinkle in his eyes. Sam laughs tearfully as he leans forward and kisses Bucky, holding on for dear life. 

Things wouldn’t get easier as they went on. Learning to live in this new world of chaos would be difficult. Finding out who had died, and who had to live five years without their loved ones. No, it wouldn’t be easy, but at least the burden wouldn’t be shouldered alone. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I can’t believe ‘In A Previous Life’ is over! I’ve had so much fun writing it and hope you all had fun reading!


End file.
